Alkatraz Packaging

Man, I do hate "Alkatraz Packaging."

You know what I'm talking about... The type of packaging that sadistic packagers gleefully construct so as to render it impossible to open (or reseal).

Take for instance the dreaded "clamshell" that a lot of smaller hand-held electronics come in. Made out of a plastic so durable and impossible to penetrate, you could use the same material for car tires. Even scissors can't open them.

One time I tried to force my way into such a package to retrieve a phone. Tearing the plastic was a waste of time. Scissors didn't succeed. Without resorting to explosives, I grabbed a sharp kitchen knife and went to work. My hand steadying the package slipped. Worse, the knife slipped into my hand. Blood sprayed. And within the impenetrable package, the phone mocked me.

You need a damn You Tube video on how to safely open these hazards of packaging.

And how about those infernal pump bottles, host to a ton of bathroom products like moisturizer? They're great...when they work. Usually, I follow the simple directions of turning the pump counter-clockwise and get nowhere. Just watching the dry pump twist round and round and round and round...

What do you do with it? It's kinda worthless. Once--and to my great shame--I took a bottle back because it wouldn't open.

The clerk squinted at me. "What's wrong with it?"

"Ah...manufacturer error," I said, hoping to mask my lack of packaging skills with corporate-speak.

"Whaddaya mean?"

"The...um...pump doesn't work."

"Whaddaya mean the pump doesn't work?" Puzzled, the clerk picked the bottle up and studied the problematic pump. "Looks fine to me."

"It doesn't work!"

"Sure it does. You do know how to use it, right?" He leaned over the counter and smirked.

"Never mind!" I grabbed the bottle and what was left of my pride and raced out of the store.

Packaging problems are everywhere. Oh, what about those damned packages that contain lunch meat or numerous other edibles? The packages that boast, "Easy Re-Seal!"

Yeah. Sure. Easy for those with patience and nimble fingers, maybe a safe-cracker, but definitely not me. Sure, they're good for diets because you can't ever get to the food, but that's about it.

First, I can never rip the teeny-tiny tab off where it menacingly states "Tear Here!" with a big red arrow pointing toward it. The rare times I've managed to pinch the tab, it never comes off in one strip. So I'm left staring at baloney that I can't get to, while my stomach growls.

Not having learned my lesson before, I usually go for scissors next. Naturally, I always cut it below the "E-Z Reseal" feature. 

I'm just not cut out for modern packaging. It imposes a serious safety risk on me, harder to figure out than Ikea furniture. Talk about the ultimate in planned obsolescence...by the time you finally figure out how to get to your booby-trapped prize without killing yourself, there're newer models on the market. 

Of course, I'm the guy who was banned from using plastic wrap because I can't tear it right and it usually ends up all over myself.

While we're yakking about impossible to figure out things, have you read my book, Corporate Wolf? Not only is it a horror-filled, black comedy, but there's a cracking murder mystery. Just who is the werewolf?