Drowning in Word Soup

Okay, kids! I know it's summer, but what would summer be without a little summer school?  Oh, quit yer belly-aching, it's just a short pop quiz. Put on your thinking caps and your smart kicks and put away Tik-Tok because here we go!...

Which popular orange-coiffed clown recently said the following to a large crowd?

"And the fake news they go, he told this crazy story with electric. It's actually not crazy. It's sort of a smart story, right? Sort of like, you know, it's like the snake, it's a smart when you, you figure what you're leaving in, right? You're bringing it in the, you know, the snake, right? The snake and the snake. I tell that and they do the same thing."  June 23, 2024

Was it:

A) Ronald McDonald?

B) Beloved orange-haired comedian Carrot-Top?

C) Donald Trump?

DING, DING, DING! If you picked, "C," you win! Go to recess.

Yow! Can anyone make sense of that blast of word soup, noodling for coherency? It boggles my mind that half the country believes this man competent to lead (RULE!) our country. Now, for the sake of staying on track, I won't even get into what I believe to be all of Trump's other faults (cough*CONVICTED FELON*cough), but let's chat about mental competency.

First of all, to be fair, Biden scared the dickens out of me with his horrific debate "performance." Instead of an American president, I saw a doddering, forgetful old uncle that you keep trying to avoid at a wedding reception, but who finds you nonetheless. I tried to hold onto my belief in Biden, but there comes a time when you gotta say "No go, Joe! It was great while it lasted."

So, why does no-one talk about Trump's incoherency during his rallies or his wee hours of the morning Truth Social rants? The guy rarely makes sense, rambling on about sharks, Hannibal Lecter (whom he appears to believe is a real person AND a stand-up guy), windmills, and now snakes. Constantly, he confuses facts (ahem, LIES), politicians (who he's running against), people (Pelosi, his own doctor, etc.), how many World Wars there've been, and let's not forget "2 Corinthians," this coming from a great, self-proclaimed Christian with numerous bibles in his house (no doubt kept right next to his classified, stolen documents in the Golden Bathroom).

He scares me. So, I made a mistake and posted Trump's word soup quote (which I lifted from another poster) on Facebook (where EVERYTHING is true, don't ya' know?).

Here's a reply (sic) I got: "Youre obviously clueless. The snake is a fabke Trump says in rallies. Now why don't we talk about Bidens uncle eaten by cannibals?"

Okay! I looooove social media!

Let's take this at each point.

A) Yes, I guess I am obviously clueless because Trump's quote makes absolutely no sense to me. My fault for being a dummy. Totes. But...but...can the MAGA loyal decipher his nonsense? Do they have special  decoder rings that descramble Trump's cryptic ramblings? Are the MAGA core flying higher on a mental plain that we lowly Democrats are unable to achieve? Please! I wanna know if I'm missing out on something special.

B) True, I was clueless about Trump's snake "fabke (is that a Russian tasty treat?)," so I decided to edumacate myself. It's not a fable at all, but apparently lyrics to a song entitled "The Snake." At his rallies, Trump whips out a paper and reads the lyrics about a tender-hearted woman who rescues a half-frozen snake only to have it bite her. There you have it! Obviously America is the tender-hearted woman and the vile, blood-poisoning snake is an illegal immigrant. I'm not that smart (remember I'm clueless) to figure out Trump's metaphor; it's Trump's Cliff Notes explanation after he reads the lyrics. (Other Note: Trump misattributed the song to Al Wilson.)

C) Yes, being clueless, I'd never heard of Biden's uncle being eaten by cannibals. But, straight from Biden himself, he's attributed the remains of his uncle (World War 2 fighter pilot downed near New Guinea) to have been eaten by cannibals. Yumpin' Yiminy! Okay, admittedly, the story does sound kinda crazy (you know, like something that doddering, drunken uncle at a wedding reception might recount), but Biden's put it out there twice. And, in the past, he's had his fair share of moments of "embellishing" the truth. But at least his story made sense.

Wrapping up here, make sure you vote in November. I don't care who you vote for, but please, please, PLEASE make sure you vote for someone who at least is coherent and can string together a sentence. Do a write-in candidate if you must. You know, someone logical, sane, and coherent like Gary Busey.

If you're sick to death of what passes for the sorry state of American politics and worried about November, read a book! Here...I just happen to have some suggestions, all of them fine and available here!

"Just Like We Drew It Up!"

Well, the super bowl has come and gone and my hometown guys, the Kansas City Chiefs (nearly miraculously) won at the last minute.

That was pretty cool, but my favorite part of the super bowl was this tweet following the game...

Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa! Take that, conspiracy crazies!

For a little background, check out my Taylor Swift conspiracy theory post from a while back. Go on. I'll still be here when you get back.

Yep, the far right conspiracy contingent thought that the nefariously evil liberal fascists were fixing the super bowl to go to the Chiefs so that at game's end, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce could come out and announce their backing of Joe Biden for the upcoming election. (Which confused me at first because I thought "why would Kelsey Grammer endorse Biden since he's a notorious Trump thumper? And just why is Frasier dating Taylor Swift, Psy-Op Agent for Socialism?" Then it hit me...ohhhhhh, it's the other Kelce. I'm sure I'm not alone in confusing the two. They look identical. Okay, enough digressing and dumb jokes!)

Needless to say, the far right's conspiracy never came to fruition. But, it didn't keep President Biden from breaking out his "Dark Brandon" persona and dissing the nuts.

On a far more serious note, the shooting that happened at the Chiefs' victor parade was horrifying. And I had a deep fear that it may've been a conspiracy guy gone over-the-top. Not that it was any less awful, but it was merely idiots being stupid with guns. (Just one more reason why we need to deep-six the MAGA cult once and for all.)

Okay, say what you will about President Biden, but the guy's got a sense of humor. Unlike a certain orange troll whose idea of humor is taunting people with grade school bullying nicknames.

C'mon, people! I'll take 81 years of doddering experience any day over 91 criminal charges. It's not rocket science.

Don't make me come over there.

Speaking of idiots, check out my Zach and Zora comic mystery series of books featuring one of the dumbest lead characters you'll ever find (excluding our current politicians, natch), a lunk-headed male stripper with a heart of gold and a banana hammock of yellow. And due to popular demand (okay, well at least my friend, author extraordinaire, Cat Cavendish), I'm at long, long last back to writing the fourth book in the series, Massacre of Mustaches!

The (So-Called) Political Race Drags On...

Four days and still counting the votes! Agghhhh! I want this crap over with. This election--the divisiveness, the anger and animosity toward our fellow citizens--has gone on long enough. I'd very much like it to stop.

The entire ramped-up country trauma has been going on for too long. Guess I hadn't realized it as much until the last four years, but in all fairness, the problem's been going on for a lot longer than that. It's just now been pushed to the forefront.

I'm worried about America's future, gang. And I'm not putting it all down to the silly presidential race. I'm talking about everyone in general. When this election finally--FINALLY--gets decided, will we continue on a downward spiral into racism and seething anger toward our neighbors? Or will we slowly heal, bolstered by (I hope) a vaccine for Covid-19?

I dunno. My great sis-in-law posted on Facebook, "Hey, when is the good luck from those black-eyed peas we ate on New Year's Eve 2020 gonna' kick in?" (Naturally, I gave a smart-assed reply which is helpful to no one and said, "2027. Like gum, black-eyed peas takes seven years to digest." Kinda hope I'm not a prophet.)

Our neighbors, the new kids on the block, had the right idea. On election day, they left notes on every door on the street about how tensions are high, tonight's gonna be long, but let's continue to be kind to everyone in the 'hood. Come over to party. Agreed I did. Hammered I got. (Socially distancing outside, natch). The intelligent way to handle election "night."

So much of this is unprecedented. And I'm damn tired of checking my computer every thirty minutes hoping for some kind of movement. Even if the results don't turn out to be what I want, I just want closure. As an American, I'll accept whatever. But my addled brain and nerves have been dangerous, yet inert live wires for four days now.

Of course, if President Trump loses, he's threatening he won't take defeat lightly, fighting it until January. Great! Much hilarity will ensue! Or he still could win and then brag about it to the stars. 

Sigh...

Aren't you all just...exhausted? 

Lately, my wife and I have been seeking solace in the TV show, "The West Wing" on Netflix. But even that seems like too much politics now.

I think I'll take up taxidermy, an uplifting hobby, certain to boost my spirits, one that's not at all creepy.

Okay, sorry. This is written Thursday night at midnight and I promised not to do another political rant, but...c'mon, guys! Politicians are supposed to be serving the American people, not torturing them!

Good night and God bless us one and all (oh, and you, too, Tiny Tim, as long as you're white, privileged, definitely male, and not any of that nonsensical other non binary gender nonsense. Sorry, sorry, a thousand sorries...but if our president can speak "sarcastically," hey, so can one of his lowly constituents.)

Scariest Halloween EVER!

Boo! Boils and ghouls, I didn't mean to scare you with the photo! BOO! Ha, did it again. Gotcha! Sorry. 

But I'm scared, too.

We're a couple days away from the election that will definitely change history one way or another and I'd be reticent if I didn't say something. I might make a few haters along the way, but that's okay, certainly nothing new. 

I'd love to get back to the day when people can enjoy political debates with family and friends. Remember when it was sorta fun, even healthy?

Last week's presidential debate was actually--to my surprise--pretty much a real debate. Clearly, President Trump listened to his advisors and calmed down, got off the steroids and power drinks, and only several times blew his orange top. An early Christmas miracle!

I can talk about all of the "fake news (Trump's favorite term when anything doesn't go his way)" facts  (ahem!) President Trump cited (i.e., lies). Or I can talk about the creepy way he didn't address the camera/the viewers. Perhaps I could mention how he avoids, dodges, ducks, deflects into defense regarding Big Questions. But I'm not. 

I've already lost one friend over this stupidity. I'm sick of it.

What I will say is Trump's handling of COVID-19 was (and is) negligent at best. It's been widely documented that he chose to ignore it, was quoted as saying, "I don't want to cause panic."

Bully for him. And bullshit to him for downplaying it even after he was diagnosed with it. Not every person can afford a million dollars worth of the best doctors and medicine. And he unbelievably wants to do away with medical insurance for those with pre-existing conditions. Probably not the best time, Mr. President.

Why doesn't Trump ask anyone who's lost a loved one to COVID what they think of his marginalization of the many, many--too very many--deaths? Especially when if handled early and properly, many lives could have been saved.

COVID-19 doesn't really wake you up until it's personal. In the early days, I thought, "sure, I'll wear a mask, I'll be fine, we'll weather through it." That's simply not the case.

Every day, I worry about my wife, a teacher. She deals with students. A warrior. Still okay, knock on wood.

But at least twelve people I care about have been knocked down by this awful disease and the tally's increasing. One of my best friends is still struggling with it after many months. My daughter's dear, sweet, generous friend went from being diagnosed with COVID to dying within a week. 

Yet, there's Trump out there negating Dr. Fauci's advice, saying he's "a nice guy, but doesn't know what he's talking about." Calling him an "idiot," despite being the foremost contagious disease expert in the country who happens to be on Trump's "support team," but, hey, let's not nit-pick.

Lately, Trump's been out campaigning (understandable), but his rallies are not safe havens (not acceptable). "Super spreader events," some pundits call them. During one such groovy happening in Nebraska two days ago, people gathered via bus to listen to our president rant (and, I hope, danced again to the Village People. Only thing that could've made that better is if Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani, and Mitch McConnell would've joined him in full VP garb.) People were apparently stranded afterward in freezing temps, the buses not able to keep up. Many were hospitalized for "various reasons."

Glad someone's happy.

Please understand Biden's not my ideal president. President Bartlett from "The West Wing" is. But since Bartlett's a fictional character, I'll take the only other choice who won't lead us further into despair and death and fear and hatred and racism and deficit.

Golly.

Is it to much to ask for a president who acts, you know, slightly presidential? How about a president who doesn't constantly bully, induce fear, and divide the country further with border-line racism? Or maybe a president who doesn't mock impaired people or insult those brave men and women who've fallen in the line of duty while serving their country? Someone who doesn't have a slew of sexual assault/harassment allegations against him? Perhaps a president who's more interested in serving the public instead of lining his pockets with more money? Wouldn't that be a nice change of pace. 

Ooh! I got it! How about a leader who doesn't spit all over democracy? Hey, anyone who doesn't have as grating of a screaming voice (and has anyone ever seen our president less than angry? SOOOO honorable) worse than Adam Sandler's affected "funny" voices while gargling broken glass is a step up, I kinda think. 

After passing another tax break bill to the rich, this is the president who was quoted as saying (at a dinner party), "I just made you all more rich." 

I know some people will vote for Trump because they're against abortion and that's what Republicans support. If pro-life is your belief, stand by it. Stay solid, don't back down, more power to you, that's what our country stands for. But consider this...um, how many abortions do you think Trump might have been responsible for given his penchant for porn stars and Russian hookers? 

Kanye would be better than four more years of this guy.

I remember thinking that we'd never again elect a worse president than George W's reign of dimwittedness and neglect. Man, was I dumb.

Guys, this is worse than depressing, the current state of "politics" is running our country into the ground.

But I'm an American. If the outcome next Tuesday is not what I'd prefer? I'll still support it, that's what our country does. That's what Democracy is supposed to be about. Look it up. (Trump didn't, apparently skipped school that day.)

Alright, I'm done now. No matter how the election turns out, I won't revisit the awful topic of politics again. 

But...VOTE. Vote like the wind! Vote your arses off! Make a difference either way you lean! Despite the electoral college ridiculousness, let's make a difference.

Hey, happy Halloween, boo!

 

Appearance, Personal Hygiene and You!

Appearance is everything, boys and girls. You never know when you may be out in public or appear on the news. So, for a happier and healthier lifestyle, take pride in your personal appearance!

For instance, take special note of the care I put into my appearance at this crucial election time. Sure, my wife says I'm gonna get the crap kicked outta me, particularly living in Kansas, but it's something I take great pride in. I wear this mask everywhere I go: grocery stores, liquor stores, on walks through the neighborhood, leisurely strolls through local Klan gatherings...

It's all about appearance, Mr. and Mrs. Young America! Gramma always used to tell me to be sure to put on clean underwear because you never know when you might die.

Well, A) that's a really disturbing thing for your Gramma to tell you as an impressionable young tyke; and B) it's really kinda stupid. Many people who die--especially in shocking, sudden, blunt trauma methods--fill their shorts as a final parting shot.

But never mind that! Gramma always knew best (even while hurling racist diatribes at the TV box and her stories)! So, it's important to always wear clean undergarments.

As another example, I harken back to the unexpected time when I had two detectives and all four local news networks banging on my front door. For  an hour-and-a-half that day, I had much more than twenty minutes of Warholian fame. I was the star sound-bite guy to beat.

The detectives weren't very forthcoming with information, just wanted to know what I could tell them about the twin women who lived next door (FACT! I didn't even know the women were twins until I ran into both of them at the grocery store together, and this after I'd been having--what I'd presumed--conversations with one woman over the fence for several years). What I told the detectives wasn't much; what they told me in return was absolutely nothing. I asked if the women were in trouble. One of the rude detectives laughed, shook her head, and walked off.

Later on, before my First Big TV Interview, the reporter (whom I reminded I had done shots with at a downtown bar many years ago; she just rolled her eyes and said, "yeah, that sounds like me.") filled me in. The twins had committed double suicide. It stunned me, and it shows in my kinda lackadaisical interviews. Then the rest of the film-crews came racing to find me. After my second interview, I locked the door, hunkered in and didn't answer the rest of the incessant door ringers (while my daughter kept watch from behind the front curtain).

But here's where appearance is important, boys and girls! Note the huge, glaring third eye I'm sporting in my interview! No one, and I mean NO ONE, wants to see that on their fancy, shmancy big-screen TV's.

One of my awesome bro-in-laws has the right idea; he says every time the TV weather crews come around when there's a tornado sighting, he slips on his Tweety sweatpants and "Who Farted?" T-Shirt, and goes outside hoping for his twenty minutes in the limelight.

That's why I have my "I Pooped Today!" T-Shirt standing by, boys and girls! Hanging in the foyer! Appearance is everything!

Back to the appearance my current mask is projecting: the running tally is nine positive comments, a crap-load of stares and double-takes, and a whole lot of menacing glares, always from the same type of person (see example below). So far, no bodily damage or hurt. But everywhere I go, I'm sporting my mask and clean underwear, doubling down before this crucial election.

I'm not gonna waste time and rant about who I feel you should vote for (as usual, I'm not excited about either candidate, but I do despise one over the other), because it's a colossal waste of time, especially with how divided we've become over the past four years. (Sigh... I remember when political debate among friends was healthy and fun! Oh, the golden years...) But. It's important to VOTE! VOTE, people, vote like the wind! (And wear clean underwear).

This has been a Public Service Announcement sponsored by the Underwear Manufacturers of the World.