Scariest Halloween EVER!

Boo! Boils and ghouls, I didn't mean to scare you with the photo! BOO! Ha, did it again. Gotcha! Sorry. 

But I'm scared, too.

We're a couple days away from the election that will definitely change history one way or another and I'd be reticent if I didn't say something. I might make a few haters along the way, but that's okay, certainly nothing new. 

I'd love to get back to the day when people can enjoy political debates with family and friends. Remember when it was sorta fun, even healthy?

Last week's presidential debate was actually--to my surprise--pretty much a real debate. Clearly, President Trump listened to his advisors and calmed down, got off the steroids and power drinks, and only several times blew his orange top. An early Christmas miracle!

I can talk about all of the "fake news (Trump's favorite term when anything doesn't go his way)" facts  (ahem!) President Trump cited (i.e., lies). Or I can talk about the creepy way he didn't address the camera/the viewers. Perhaps I could mention how he avoids, dodges, ducks, deflects into defense regarding Big Questions. But I'm not. 

I've already lost one friend over this stupidity. I'm sick of it.

What I will say is Trump's handling of COVID-19 was (and is) negligent at best. It's been widely documented that he chose to ignore it, was quoted as saying, "I don't want to cause panic."

Bully for him. And bullshit to him for downplaying it even after he was diagnosed with it. Not every person can afford a million dollars worth of the best doctors and medicine. And he unbelievably wants to do away with medical insurance for those with pre-existing conditions. Probably not the best time, Mr. President.

Why doesn't Trump ask anyone who's lost a loved one to COVID what they think of his marginalization of the many, many--too very many--deaths? Especially when if handled early and properly, many lives could have been saved.

COVID-19 doesn't really wake you up until it's personal. In the early days, I thought, "sure, I'll wear a mask, I'll be fine, we'll weather through it." That's simply not the case.

Every day, I worry about my wife, a teacher. She deals with students. A warrior. Still okay, knock on wood.

But at least twelve people I care about have been knocked down by this awful disease and the tally's increasing. One of my best friends is still struggling with it after many months. My daughter's dear, sweet, generous friend went from being diagnosed with COVID to dying within a week. 

Yet, there's Trump out there negating Dr. Fauci's advice, saying he's "a nice guy, but doesn't know what he's talking about." Calling him an "idiot," despite being the foremost contagious disease expert in the country who happens to be on Trump's "support team," but, hey, let's not nit-pick.

Lately, Trump's been out campaigning (understandable), but his rallies are not safe havens (not acceptable). "Super spreader events," some pundits call them. During one such groovy happening in Nebraska two days ago, people gathered via bus to listen to our president rant (and, I hope, danced again to the Village People. Only thing that could've made that better is if Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani, and Mitch McConnell would've joined him in full VP garb.) People were apparently stranded afterward in freezing temps, the buses not able to keep up. Many were hospitalized for "various reasons."

Glad someone's happy.

Please understand Biden's not my ideal president. President Bartlett from "The West Wing" is. But since Bartlett's a fictional character, I'll take the only other choice who won't lead us further into despair and death and fear and hatred and racism and deficit.

Golly.

Is it to much to ask for a president who acts, you know, slightly presidential? How about a president who doesn't constantly bully, induce fear, and divide the country further with border-line racism? Or maybe a president who doesn't mock impaired people or insult those brave men and women who've fallen in the line of duty while serving their country? Someone who doesn't have a slew of sexual assault/harassment allegations against him? Perhaps a president who's more interested in serving the public instead of lining his pockets with more money? Wouldn't that be a nice change of pace. 

Ooh! I got it! How about a leader who doesn't spit all over democracy? Hey, anyone who doesn't have as grating of a screaming voice (and has anyone ever seen our president less than angry? SOOOO honorable) worse than Adam Sandler's affected "funny" voices while gargling broken glass is a step up, I kinda think. 

After passing another tax break bill to the rich, this is the president who was quoted as saying (at a dinner party), "I just made you all more rich." 

I know some people will vote for Trump because they're against abortion and that's what Republicans support. If pro-life is your belief, stand by it. Stay solid, don't back down, more power to you, that's what our country stands for. But consider this...um, how many abortions do you think Trump might have been responsible for given his penchant for porn stars and Russian hookers? 

Kanye would be better than four more years of this guy.

I remember thinking that we'd never again elect a worse president than George W's reign of dimwittedness and neglect. Man, was I dumb.

Guys, this is worse than depressing, the current state of "politics" is running our country into the ground.

But I'm an American. If the outcome next Tuesday is not what I'd prefer? I'll still support it, that's what our country does. That's what Democracy is supposed to be about. Look it up. (Trump didn't, apparently skipped school that day.)

Alright, I'm done now. No matter how the election turns out, I won't revisit the awful topic of politics again. 

But...VOTE. Vote like the wind! Vote your arses off! Make a difference either way you lean! Despite the electoral college ridiculousness, let's make a difference.

Hey, happy Halloween, boo!

 

Appearance, Personal Hygiene and You!

Appearance is everything, boys and girls. You never know when you may be out in public or appear on the news. So, for a happier and healthier lifestyle, take pride in your personal appearance!

For instance, take special note of the care I put into my appearance at this crucial election time. Sure, my wife says I'm gonna get the crap kicked outta me, particularly living in Kansas, but it's something I take great pride in. I wear this mask everywhere I go: grocery stores, liquor stores, on walks through the neighborhood, leisurely strolls through local Klan gatherings...

It's all about appearance, Mr. and Mrs. Young America! Gramma always used to tell me to be sure to put on clean underwear because you never know when you might die.

Well, A) that's a really disturbing thing for your Gramma to tell you as an impressionable young tyke; and B) it's really kinda stupid. Many people who die--especially in shocking, sudden, blunt trauma methods--fill their shorts as a final parting shot.

But never mind that! Gramma always knew best (even while hurling racist diatribes at the TV box and her stories)! So, it's important to always wear clean undergarments.

As another example, I harken back to the unexpected time when I had two detectives and all four local news networks banging on my front door. For  an hour-and-a-half that day, I had much more than twenty minutes of Warholian fame. I was the star sound-bite guy to beat.

The detectives weren't very forthcoming with information, just wanted to know what I could tell them about the twin women who lived next door (FACT! I didn't even know the women were twins until I ran into both of them at the grocery store together, and this after I'd been having--what I'd presumed--conversations with one woman over the fence for several years). What I told the detectives wasn't much; what they told me in return was absolutely nothing. I asked if the women were in trouble. One of the rude detectives laughed, shook her head, and walked off.

Later on, before my First Big TV Interview, the reporter (whom I reminded I had done shots with at a downtown bar many years ago; she just rolled her eyes and said, "yeah, that sounds like me.") filled me in. The twins had committed double suicide. It stunned me, and it shows in my kinda lackadaisical interviews. Then the rest of the film-crews came racing to find me. After my second interview, I locked the door, hunkered in and didn't answer the rest of the incessant door ringers (while my daughter kept watch from behind the front curtain).

But here's where appearance is important, boys and girls! Note the huge, glaring third eye I'm sporting in my interview! No one, and I mean NO ONE, wants to see that on their fancy, shmancy big-screen TV's.

One of my awesome bro-in-laws has the right idea; he says every time the TV weather crews come around when there's a tornado sighting, he slips on his Tweety sweatpants and "Who Farted?" T-Shirt, and goes outside hoping for his twenty minutes in the limelight.

That's why I have my "I Pooped Today!" T-Shirt standing by, boys and girls! Hanging in the foyer! Appearance is everything!

Back to the appearance my current mask is projecting: the running tally is nine positive comments, a crap-load of stares and double-takes, and a whole lot of menacing glares, always from the same type of person (see example below). So far, no bodily damage or hurt. But everywhere I go, I'm sporting my mask and clean underwear, doubling down before this crucial election.

I'm not gonna waste time and rant about who I feel you should vote for (as usual, I'm not excited about either candidate, but I do despise one over the other), because it's a colossal waste of time, especially with how divided we've become over the past four years. (Sigh... I remember when political debate among friends was healthy and fun! Oh, the golden years...) But. It's important to VOTE! VOTE, people, vote like the wind! (And wear clean underwear).

This has been a Public Service Announcement sponsored by the Underwear Manufacturers of the World.