Friday, July 17, 2015

The Fine Art of Spatchcockery

My wife told me she wants to "spatchcock" a turkey. After my initial giggle-fit ended, she explained that spatchcocking's a method of cooking poultry by cutting out the backbone and flattening the carcass. It's supposed to cook more evenly. Or something.
Miss July from Spatchcock Monthly
That doesn't matter. What does matter is I've found a fabulous new word. I'd like to "trend" the word. I wanna' make it rain with spatchcockery.

Spatchcock. Everyone take a minute and say it out loud. I'll wait. Done? It's fun to say, isn't it? Rolls right off the tongue. I find it kinda' cathartic, too. Violent sounding without the physical fall-out. And wonderfully vulgar. Plus it makes the twelve-year-old boy in me laugh because of its inherent naughtiness.

But the word can be used in many more creative ways. The next time the office clown gets on your nerves? Hit him with, "I'm gonna' spatchcock that smile right off your face!" Or how about this? "Looks like you stepped in a deep pile of spatchcock now." Or "I'm gonna' spatchcock the crap outta' this yard." See what I mean? A multifaceted word, guaranteed hours of fun.
A painful looking display of human spatchcockery.
Where in the world did this awesome word come from? Mr. Wikipedia wasn't much help, nor Ms. Google. I wonder if some guy went postal on his turkey, ripped out the backbone in a fit of cooking rage, and screamed, "I'll dispatch you yet, cock!"

Or maybe some chef had the misfortune of being named "Spatchcock," a minor footnote in cooking history.

But, as I said, none of that matters. Do please use this term, incorporate it into your daily vocabulary. Then sit back and watch the puzzled looks and dumbfounded responses.

I'll update once (if?) we ever end up spatchcocking a turkey. In the meantime, I've gotta' go spatchcock the dog. (Tee hee.)

Bam. You've been spatchcocked. 

No spatchcockery to be found in my newest suspense thriller, Ghosts of Gannaway. However, plenty of Hitchcockery is on display.

Now for the limited sale price of .99: Buy it here!


  1. I needed to read this. Thank you for introducing me to such a fit-inducing word. Now, off to spatchcock that novel I've been working on...

    1. You're very welcome, Beth. Now go spatchcock, spatchcock like the wind!

  2. I've got a bad case of spatchcock. Could it be the coffee? You didn't tell me it would smell this bad.

    1. Put some olive oil on your spatchcocked area, Suzanne. It won't really help, but at least you'll feel proactive.