The Best Day to Get Shot

Over the holidays my wife and I were tooling around town with her in the driver's seat. Suddenly, she realized we were in the wrong lane to take our highway exit (Sidebar: This is a particularly precarious position for me to be in. I risk my wife's ire by telling her she has to get over, with "Don't tell me how to drive!," the usual response. On the other hand, if we miss the exit, it's my fault for not saying anything. Can't win. However, this is not the reason I've gathered you all here today...apologies for the digression.).

So, I say to my wife, "just speed up, pass the guy, and hop on the exit." A perfectly fine solution to our driving dilemma.

She says, "No, today's not a good day to get shot."

We let that ominous statement fill out its weight before realizing how ludicrous it sounded.

"Well..." I said, "When is the best day to get shot?"

"Not December, definitely," she said. "Christmas and gatherings and all, so that rules that month out. And January is the new year. That wouldn't be a good way to bring in the new year."

"When would you like to schedule getting shot, then?"

"February is Valentine's Day, so that's out. In March, we have St. Patrick's Day."

"So...what about August?" I suggest. "I can't think of any holidays then."

"Except for my birthday," she said. "That'd be a terrible way to celebrate my birthday."

In conclusion, we decided that there just isn't a good day to get shot. 

Of course it was a goofy conversation, but one that we handled with surprising nonchalance given our ever-changing--and scary--environment in the Midwest. Open and concealed carry guns are legal without a license in Kansas, for God's sake. School campuses have allowed students to carry guns into class, making for some very interesting higher education. Sadly, I've had to permanently retire my favorite one-fingered salute to dangerous and offending drivers. My sister-in-law came up with a novel approach to said drivers: she smiles and gives them a little wave. I'm not sure how effective this is, but I am fairly certain if I were to try this approach, it'd still get me shot. I seem to have that effect on people. But, alas, these days it doesn't take much.

I'm reminded of when a Peruvian student came to my college in Kansas back in the day and was shocked to find that people weren't running around on dusty, dirt roads and shooting up the local bar. Of course, back then we laughed it off. But it looks like we've come full circle to the rip-snortin', hoo-hahin', guns a'blazin' ol' West again. But with better roads. (All in the name of freedom, natch.)

So, in summation, when is the best day to get shot? Never. I hope.

And we missed the damn highway exit.

Speaking of shoot-em-ups, my serial killer, darkly comical, suspense trilogy has more than its fair share of gun-play. But for those weapons elitists, you'll find a marvelous variety of other deadly weapons at play as well, including a flame-thrower. Check out the first book in the Killers Incorporated trilogy, Secret Society, right here. And duck!