Kids Kill the Darndest People

Oh, those lil' cute murderous rapscallions!

Recently, my daughter told me a horrifying true tale from her childhood. When she was in grade school (a very nice Catholic school), the mean girls in her class didn't like the librarian. I dunno, maybe she'd shushed them one time too many or something equally as dire.

The librarian apparently had been very vocal about her own dislike for my daughter's class (except for my daughter, natch; librarian's pet, librarian's pet, librarian's pet!). Needless to say there was some bad library blood between the fourth grade girls and the librarian.

So, one day to get even, one of these little angels secretly poured bleach in the librarian's coffee cup. Yow! That'll kill ya! I mean, other than it being one of Trump's recommended beverages, it'll kill ya, and it still killed some Trump thumpers to boot.

But, hold on, the murderous hijinx didn't end there. After following the head evil lil' girl's lead, the other mean girls joined in on the wacky shenanigans, tee hee. Soon, they were all taking turns of covertly dropping tacks, paint, and all kinds of potentially murderous debris into the librarian's cup.

 Finally, one of the boys showed a shimmer of soul and pretended to "accidentally" knock the cup over, thus saving the librarian's life. And this poor kid ended up taking the bullet for the girl. (Hope she was worth it, guy.) The evil mastermind and her vile girl gang got off scot-free.

Sweet Mother of pearl! I hosted some of these lil' monsters at my daughter's slumber parties! I suppose I'm lucky they didn't set me on fire in my sleep. I mean, what would they've done to the janitor if he gave them the stink eye? Flay him to death?

Seriously, this is terrifying. What could a librarian possibly do to warrant her murder? 

We've all seen "The Bad Seed," right? This was the friggin' "bad garden."

Needless to say, I was horrified by this tale (and no, my daughter didn't know anything about it until after the fact), thus proving once and for all that girls are more evil than boys. Oh, sure, you'll get beat up by boy bullies, but you know, they get it out of their system and move onto the next big bullying thing. I took my fair share of lumps in my day, but I can honestly say that none of my bullies ever intended on murdering me.

So beware of adorably cute lil packages in pretty, pretty princess dresses. Evil lurks in pigtails.

While on the topic of evil children, my story "Halloweenie Roast" features several demonic kids on par with my daughter's heinous classmates. You can read it, along with other fine tales of horror and dark humor, in my collection, Twisted Tales From Tornado Alley.