Back in my office days, a coworker and myself used to call the local comic book shop and seriously asked the clerk this very question. Three things can be garnered from this exchange: 1) We had a lotta spare time on the job; 2) Yes, I'll always be six at heart; and 3) We'd giggle for hours over how seriously the comic book clerk considered this question.
"Aquaman, clearly," he'd rattle on. "He's the king of the sea whereas Sub-Mariner is merely a prince, and bla, bla, bla..."
We put him on speaker phone and invited others to listen. Good times, good times...
Now, don't get me wrong; my CBQ ("Comic Book Quotient") is pretty high, too, but never have I ever taken such things seriously. It's scary.
But, it made me think. Why in the world hasn't Marvel made a Sub-Mariner movie yet? After all, he was one of Marvel's first superheroes, dating back to when they were called "Timely" in the '40's. Sub-Mariner, along with Captain America and the original Human Torch (an android), used to team up to kick the Axis' collective arses.
So why no Sub-Mariner Big-Time Movie Treatment? Nicholas Cage has probably already got a piece of the action as we speak and is trying on speedos. But the real reason there's no Sub-Mariner movie? I'll tell you why...because underwater superheroes and action are boring. Don't believe me? Try watching the excruciatingly dull Sean Connery Bond film, Thunderball. Watching grown men fight underwater is less than exciting, their movements slowed down by the water in a ballet of boredom. Also, check out DC's snoozy Aquaman film for further proof. The only laugh I got out of the film was when my daughter booed the screen once Aquaman donned his costume, thus covering up Jason Momoa's previously nekkid torso.
Furthermore, Sub-Mariner's just kinda dumb. Check this guy out...he's got teeny-tiny wings on his ankles. Whaaaaaaaat? He was born from a liaison between an American explorer (just what was he exploring?) and an Atlantis princess. Okay, so we've got a human and an Atlantean. So where'd he get the footy wings? And just how well do they serve him underwater?
Aquaman's equally goofy. He was the offspring of a romance between a lighthouse keeper and a washed to shore secret Atlantis queen. The dad suspected something was up with his son when he found him playing underwater for an hour. Good parenting.
SO, we're circling around again to the important question: who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Sub-Mariner? I dunno, but it'd probably be a really boring fight. Oh sure, Aquaman can talk to sea varmints. It might be kinda cool to see him rally a bunch of seahorses to eat Submariner's ankle wings or something. But honestly, if these two grade Z superheroes want to knock each other senseless, have at it. Somewhere a comic book store clerk is sighing ecstatically.
Speaking of funny books, why not check out Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, the first in a series of comical mystery books featuring a very irritated, very pregnant sleuth and her knuckleheaded male stripper brother? There aren't any superheroes in speedos, but you do get a banana hammock in the deal. Such a bargain!
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