Which Actor Is It?

Hey, gang! Here's a new game that's sweeping the nation with sensation! Can YOU name these three actors? I can't! And I defy anyone to do so.

You know, life is hard when you're a child. Granted, kids these days live in a particularly challenging and puzzling world and I don't envy them that. It was tough enough at my age when the questions that tormented me were things like : "I wonder if Kim likes me," or "Should I get wormy jello or cardboard-burger for lunch?" or "Is this the best route to avoid my bully?" or "Can I get home before Mom and sneak in a 'Dark Shadows' episode?"

Every one of these mind-blowing moral dilemmas.

But perhaps the toughest challenge of them all was my ever-lasting confusion over the difference between actors James Farentino, James Franciscus, and Anthony Franciosa.

Now look at these guys for a second, all preening for their publicity shots, working their best sides and whatever. No, they don't look alike. But their names certainly do. It used to keep me up nights trying to sort out their names. I was like a fast-trading stockbroker, tossing out movie and TV credits, and then at the last minute retracting them because I didn't trust myself.

Think I exaggerate? All of these kinda okay thespians were predominately everywhere in '60's and '70's television shows. You couldn't swing a remote without bashing into a Franciscus here, a Francisoa there, and over on the all-fuzz, all-the-time UHF station, a blurry Farentino. Oddly enough, none of the three were ever present on "Love, American Style," a typical haven for their type.

However, I was surprised to find out that only one of these guys (that would be Franciosa, the least likely suspect) sailed off on "The Love Boat" to join all other washed up actors from the '60's and '70's as they cruised into oblivion to the Island of Misfit Actors.

Wait a minute, "The Love Boat's" not exactly the last hail Mary for struggling actors; that would probably be when they're forced to flee to Italy to appear in cheesy genre movies to add "name marquee value," only to return to our shores, heads held low in shame. My research led me into some even darker cinematic alleys: two of the guys appeared in two different "giallos (bloody Italian murder mysteries)" directed by my favorite Italian guy of horror, Dario Argento! (Seek them out, they're worthwhile.)

Only Farentino escaped the fate of shore hopping, but his credits in the latter days looked pretty dismal, too.

To this day, I still can't tell these guys apart. But I do know one played a blind detective (yep, you heard me right. What a con artist!) on the TV series "Longstreet," and one appeared in the first season of "Dynasty (before being shuffled off into animation voice-over junk)."

Like all fathers, my dad appeared to have all the answers for everything, but when he didn't, instead of saying, "I don't know," he tossed out utter nonsense.

"Dad," I said, pointing my 3 Musketeers candy bar at the TV screen, "who's that?"

"Hmm?" Like Ward Cleaver, he folded his newspaper, laid down his pipe, tucked into his serious Dad face, and said, "Oh, him? He's on TV." Seeing my confusion, he added a kicker, "Good lookin' fella." Then he promptly vanished behind the front page again.

See what I mean? Typically elusive, parental answer signifying nothing. You'd think I'd asked him where babies come from. (THAT response merits another post for another day).

It's all sooooo very confusing. Look, I know these actors' "names" are probably non-de-plumes, but would it have hurt one or more of them to change their names into something distinctive?

My head hurts. But maybe I've given you food for thought on one of humankind's most confusing quandaries and cleared up a few things.

Oh! Remember how I felt sorry for kids these days? Well, I feel sorry for parents, too! How in the world are we supposed to differentiate between Chris Evans, Chris Pratt, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pine? I mean, all these guys play in superhero movies, all are white hunks, all are the same age, and all have the SAME DAMN NAME! Probably the same stupid producer, too, who named all four of his kids, "Chris."

Thank God for the late, great Chadwick Boseman for finally giving us a different alternative over white, Chris-named superheroes, but leave it to the millennials to one-up our three-named actor problem of yore. This is getting insane!

By the way, I've got a few insane books available too. Take for instance, Twisted Tales of Tornado Alley, where most of the protagonists in this horror short story collection are either insane to begin with or end up that way (or worse). Lots of really dark laughs, too, to take the edge off the bloodshed. Written by yours truly, Chris Franstinociosa (my pen name).