The New Anti-Covid Garden Gnome

He's everywhere, this cute lil' gnome of a doctor who's constantly warning of the perils of Covid-19, more ubiquitous than that terrifying Elf On A Shelf creature!

This wasn't always the case. In the year 2020, the Fauci gnome made rare appearances. And usually when he did, he'd look like this...

This is no longer true these days! The Fauci gnome is turning up in all sorts of places, a sorta supernatural media blitz with sound-bites falling outta his wazoo. And these days, he looks like this...

And this...

And this...

 Instead of this...

 Who can blame him?

The Fauci gnome is quoted as saying that working with Biden as opposed to Trump over Covid is "liberating." That the President actually, you know, believes in science.

Talk about setting the bar low. Science is like air. We need it to live and it's how you explain living. Duh. But I don't really want to get going on the neanderthal-like Trump troll. That old horse has been beaten to death.

But I find the Fauci gnome's liberation kinda endearing. Early on he looked absolutely stunned that Biden would listen to him. I'm reminded of how excited one of my high school acquaintances was when he found out he could smoke in college hallways back in the day. Absolutely giddy.

Which is why the Fauci gnome no longer looks like this...

Speaking of all things magical, there's a lotta weird, unnatural events transpiring in the stories to be found in my collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley. Here you'll find ghosts, the devil, an underground city, a lonely Bigfoot, and much, much more! Dark humor and horror for your unease!
 

 

 

Aquaman Vs. Submariner: The Ultimate Geek Question

In these truly weird and turbulent times, I think that one questions looms mightily over the heads of many people: Who would win in a fight: Aquaman or Sub-Mariner? Yessir, I tackle all the Big Issues here at Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley.

Back in my office days, a coworker and myself used to call the local comic book shop and seriously asked the clerk this very question. Three things can be garnered from this exchange: 1) We had a lotta spare time on the job; 2) Yes, I'll always be six at heart; and 3) We'd giggle for hours over how seriously the comic book clerk considered this question.

"Aquaman, clearly," he'd rattle on. "He's the king of the sea whereas Sub-Mariner is merely a prince, and bla, bla, bla..."

We put him on speaker phone and invited others to listen. Good times, good times...

Now, don't get me wrong; my CBQ ("Comic Book Quotient") is pretty high, too, but never have I ever taken such things seriously. It's scary.

But, it made me think. Why in the world hasn't Marvel made a Sub-Mariner movie yet? After all, he was one of Marvel's first superheroes, dating back to when they were called "Timely" in the '40's. Sub-Mariner, along with Captain America and the original Human Torch (an android), used to team up to kick the Axis' collective arses.

So why no Sub-Mariner Big-Time Movie Treatment? Nicholas Cage has probably already got a piece of the action as we speak and is trying on speedos. But the real reason there's no Sub-Mariner movie? I'll tell you why...because underwater superheroes and action are boring. Don't believe me? Try watching the excruciatingly dull Sean Connery Bond film, Thunderball. Watching grown men fight underwater is less than exciting, their movements slowed down by the water in a ballet of boredom. Also, check out DC's snoozy Aquaman film for further proof. The only laugh I got out of the film was when my daughter booed the screen once Aquaman donned his costume, thus covering up Jason Momoa's previously nekkid torso.

Furthermore, Sub-Mariner's just kinda dumb. Check this guy out...he's got teeny-tiny wings on his ankles. Whaaaaaaaat? He was born from a liaison between an American explorer (just what was he exploring?) and an Atlantis princess.  Okay, so we've got a human and an Atlantean. So where'd he get the footy wings? And just how well do they serve him underwater?

Aquaman's equally goofy. He was the offspring of a romance between a lighthouse keeper and a washed to shore secret Atlantis queen. The dad suspected something was up with his son when he found him playing underwater for an hour. Good parenting.

SO, we're circling around again to the important question: who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Sub-Mariner? I dunno, but it'd probably be a really boring fight. Oh sure, Aquaman can talk to sea varmints. It might be kinda cool to see him rally a bunch of seahorses to eat Submariner's ankle wings or something. But honestly, if these two grade Z superheroes want to knock each other senseless, have at it. Somewhere a comic book store clerk is sighing ecstatically.

Speaking of funny books, why not check out Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, the first in a series of comical mystery books featuring a very irritated, very pregnant sleuth and her knuckleheaded male stripper brother? There aren't any superheroes in speedos, but you do get a banana hammock in the deal. Such a bargain!

 

The Vaccination Quandary

Purely by luck, I got my first Covid vaccination shot last weekend! And I don't know how I feel about it!

Okay, let's back up a bit...

First of all, when I write about the vaccination quandary, it's probably not what you think. I'm definitely not an anti-vaxxer. I don't even understand those people, they don't speak my language. 

Okay, facts are facts and science is science (contrary to what the last political administration would have you believe): along with every vaccine, there will be allergic reactions. They're extremely rare, but there's always *that guy* who can't tolerate it. This is true with the flu shots as well. (At my last job, when they'd dole out flu shots, there was *that guy* who always said the flu shot made him sick; I think he just wanted the day off).

And, sure, there might be some unforeseen side-effects. Bound to happen once they rushed the vaccine out. But to me the odds are in the vaccine's favor.

Recently, I found myself in a really stupid position: arguing with an anti-vaxxer on Facebook (Einstein had it wrong; surely this is the definition of insanity). I said it's better to have, say, hair grow on your palms or grow a third eye than to die. The anti-vaxxer took me to task over this, called me dumb, said neither vaccines or masks work. (And she's calling me dumb! She went on to cry about how Kyle Rittenhouse should be freed, so I bailed, lucky to get out alive). 

Even if you don't believe in vaccines (and again...why? Because that mysterious magical voodoo called "science" says so? Or because our disgraced former numbskull-in-charge poo-poohed it? Don't make me come over there!), it's your duty as a fellow human being to help keep others safe as well. This common tenet of humanity shouldn't have to be explained. It transcends patriotism. It's about being a decent person. You know...the Golden Rule.

Yet, how many people have forgotten this. In this crazed era, everyone's hating everyone else, pointing fingers, Democrats blame Republicans and vice-versa to the point where we've got crazy factions branching out on both sides doing crazier things to out crazy each other. And to put a nice cherry on top of it, when all else fails, sue, sue, sue! It's insane (you know, like arguing with anti-vaxxers on Facebook)!

So everyone take a breath, relax. Take your damn vaccine when it's time.

Which brings me back full circle... Last Saturday, my wife volunteered to help vaccinate dental students in downtown Kansas City. It was also during a snow storm. So she let me know that they had extra vaccines since some students cancelled. 

Sold! And to quote former VP Mike Pence, "Being gay is a choice."  Wait! Sorry, sorry, sorry, wrong Pence quote! Here's the right one: "I didn't feel a thing."

At first I was giddy at receiving the vaccine. It was the beginning of the end of a year-long nightmare. But then--just like grief--various feelings ebbed and flowed. I started feeling guilty in that there are others who need the vaccine more than me, those people (like my daughter) who deal with people mask-to-mask on a daily basis. Then I started worrying about all of my unvaccinated loved ones. Then depression hit: the world didn't change. Nothing would magically right itself regarding social distancing, masking, taking precautions, simply being able to eat out in a restaurant. This was life as we knew it and we'd taken it for granted.

But, maybe, just maybe, we're getting a second chance. So, let's not blow it this time. 

While you're waiting for your vaccinations, how about taking your mind off it all for a bit with a little comedy and mystery? I'm talking Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, of course.  It'll fix you up real good.

 

Dog Adoption Days

Well, after hemming and hawing and begging and pawing about it for a couple years, we finally made the decision to dive into the dog world again.

Let me rephrase that... For many months, my wife had been toying with the idea of getting a guinea pig. I shrugged, whatever, you go, girl. I figured, c'mon, it's not gonna be any more fun than a fish, but it that floats your boat, then be my guest. And how fun are fish? Every once in a while you bang on the fish bowl to try and get some kinda attention until they end belly up on top of the water (I should know...I'm a *gulp* serial fish killer).

Then my wife hits me one night with, "You know... The more I've been looking into getting a guinea pig, the more work it seems. So I started thinking maybe it's time for us to get another dog."

Jaw drop! Carpet yanked out: Ka-whoosh, thump! Eyes bulged like a lecherous cartoon dog! And, of course, AOOOO-GAH!

After the demise of our last, great dog, I just didn't want to go through the heartache again. Then I said, "Well, that came outta nowhere. But what kind of dog had you been thinking about?"

She whipped out her iPad, pulled up a photo, thrust it in front of my face.

"I'm in," I said. Didn't take long. Problem was, the more I scrolled through the adoption pages, the more I wanted every dog. "Okay, you're gonna have to run the search. Otherwise, I'd have a houseful of dogs and become the 'crazy dog guy.'"

So she did.

Now, I'm not sure if any of you have been through this process lately, but man, it's changed. Gone are the days when you stroll into a kennel, point at the first dog that licks you, and say, "Gimme."

Nope. These days, you have to jump through hoops, bark, roll over, and play stressed out. It's a more intensive procedure than getting Pentagon clearance. We went through interviews, dog meet and greets, home visits, inspections, reference checks, finger prints, lie detector tests, water-boarding...

We also went through many, many close calls. We lost a lotta Waylons, Dashes, and Bruce Waynes along the way. Every time we'd get our hearts set on a dog, someone else snuck in before us. One such dog had over a hundred applicants. Of course there were page after page after page of either Pit Bulls (we'd already gone that route; Zak was the best dog ever, but a lot of high energy) or Chihuahuas (no thanks, mean little yippy things).

Where'd all the dogs go?

Since Covid, there's been a dog shortage. Something I never thought I'd see. But the competition is fierce out there.

But, hey, perseverance finally paid off! My wife found a very pretty dog, a Whippet mix. Only Whippet I'd ever heard of was a new wave song from the '80's, but this dog was much more adorable than Devo. Three years old, good natured, with gorgeous coloring and golden eyes. Than we found out she was part of a package deal. The other dog was an eleven-year-old Lhasa Apso.

Uh-oh. Clang-a-lang-dang! Ka-Booooooom! And again, AOOO-GAH!

Not an ideal situation, the dogs were "bonded," and we couldn't have one without the other. Again, a sucker for sad, doggy eyes, I took a look at the gruff and scrappy Loomis, and said, okay, let's grab 'em!

Success! I think. After being with us for a week or so, Bijou (the Whippet) has skin issues; Mister Loomis (my wife added 'Mister' to his name befitting the dignity of someone his age) has teeth problems. I'm probably gonna have to take 'em to doggy therapy pretty soon for mental issues. Or something else equally as crazy.

Man, these guys are expensive.

 But they're worth it, settling in quite nicely. It's odd when you adopt dogs, their personalities are already intact. Bijou's loving, bright, playful, but very demanding. Mister Loomis is a grumpy, lil' old man, perfect for my needs. When Bijou wants to play, Mister Loomis pretty much slams her down and gets vicious. (Frankly, I'm not sure why Bijou loves her older bro so much). But, hey, they are each others' dogs.

And, we, the humans, are their people.

Speaking of things going to the dogs, as a writer, I have absolutely no shame. Don't believe me? The proof is in the first book in the Zach and Zora comical murder mystery series, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock. It's the only series featuring an idiotic male stripper and his always irritable and usually pregnant sleuth sister. Ask for it by name! G'wan, I dare ya!

 

The Stress Dance

So recently between riots, 'rona, insane presidents, and the passing of my mother, I've been going through some tough times. On a daily basis, I alternate between anger, despair, anxiety, and sadness.

On a recent trip to visit my daughter and her "stress dogs (I label them this as they're so out-of-control, it's very therapeutic to constantly scream at them to STOP IT or SHUT THE HELL UP!)," I told my daughter how I was just so...so...so damn anxiety-ridden.

She looked at me, finally said, "Dad, you know what I do when I'm feeling that way? Something that really, really, really works?"

Desperate for relief, I scoot up in my seat. "What?"

"Okay, stand up."

I do.

"Now, stick your arms out by your sides," she instructs.

Again, I do this, believing she's about to show me something truly effective and maybe even a little profound.

"Spread your legs."

I follow her advice feeling like Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man, but knowing absolutely I look nothing like him.

"Now, squat."

"Squat?"

"Squat," she demands.

Okay, I'm 59, overweight, and squatting's not exactly on my daily regimen. But I'm all in now. I struggle and force myself into a semblance of a squat.

"Ready?" she asks.

"Yeah... I think."

"Now scream and stomp your feet!"

Blindly, I follow like a brainwashed political supporter does these days. I stomp, roar, feel myself wobbling like a Weeble, and hope I don't fall down. Time stands still as I'm bellowing like Fred looking for Wilma. The house begins to shake. One of the dogs runs behind the sofa, the other runs toward me to play.

I imagine--no, I know--it's not a pretty sight. Down in a squat, I probably look like a 'roid-raged Rumplestiltskin after his gold has been stolen. I keep doing it, trying to let my pent-up anger release into the rafters.

Until, I notice my daughter's rolling in her chair, hysterically laughing.

I stop. "Wait... Did you just make this up?"

Between giggles, she pushes out, "Yes. But you feel better, don't you?"

After a minute, I straightened, pondered. "Yeah...yeah, I do!"

Speaking of feeling better in these trying times, why not give yourself a break and indulge in my mystery comedy book, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock. Hammock is the first in an ongoing "different kind of cozy book," as one reviewer called it, detailing the misadventures of a lunkhead male stripper and his much put-upon, very angry, very pregnant sleuth sister. Available here on Amazon!

 

St. Bernard with a Keg

The other night I had a psychedelic flashback. Not that I've ever dropped acid or done mushrooms (I might've smoked some pot, but I never inhaled. Or maybe I was too stoned to remember. Whatever!), but a sudden memory blew into my mind like smoke that was never exhaled. Something I'd thought I'd left behind in my childhood alongside my teddy bear (don't judge me!)... An indelible image imprinted upon my gullible mind by those most insidious (but fun!) educators of children: cartoons... 

Of course, I'm talking about the Saint Bernard with a keg of booze tied around his neck.

I gasped at the recollection, and asked my wife, "Honey, is there any truth behind the myth of the Saint Bernard rescuing people with his keg of hooch?"

She hemmed and hawed, said no at first, then said maybe, but she really couldn't be certain, then again...

I kinda tuned her out and decided to go directly to the "Cliff's Notes" version of the world-wide intronets, Wikipedia.

And Ms. Wikipedia hemmed and hawed, too.

Let's look at what I had to sift through...

This very important history lesson (don't let anyone ever, ever tell you cartoons don't edumacate!) dates back to 1707, where monks from the Great St. Bernard Hospice (located at the Great St. Bernard Pass in Switzerland) actually did use the first of this breed to rescue avalanche victims. The dogs' incredible talents included finding buried people and digging them out. When they didn't have the strength to do that, or were too cold, they'd come back barking at the monks: "Timmy's fallen in the snow and is buried again!"

Alas, according to the monks, though, the tales about the brandy cask were nothing but a myth. Actually, the monks seemed a little peeved about this "legend," griping that the whole shebang started with an 1820 painting by Edwin Landseer (possibly the painting entitled, Alpine Mastiffs Reanimating a Distressed Traveler, which just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?). Of course, this didn't stop the monks from keeping lookalike barrels on hand for tourists to snap photos of, although I kinda think the barrels might've "fortified" the monks, as well. I mean, what else are they gonna do?

Deflated, I sadly tucked the image of a St. Bernard carrying a keg of booze through the Alps into my mind's drawer, thus sticking a pin into the balloon of my childhood education.  

But hold on, let's not be so hasty here!

One must attend to the story of the star St. Bernard of the hospice, Barry! Barry rescued anywhere between 40 to 100 lives. Seemingly untiring, Barry would travel to the most perilous locations and did so for a period of twelve years. Good dog! 

For his efforts, after he passed, the monks stuffed him and shoved his carcass into a Berney museum. Where a small phial of brandy that he used to revive distressed travelers still hangs around his neck. Something the monks don't want you to know about! Cover up! Fake news!

Hallelujah! My faith in cartoons is restored!

Anyway... if I ever get avalanched, I want a big ol' St. Bernard to find me and offer me an even bigger ol' keg of brandy, because (and science will side with me on this), the best thing for a freezing, buried person is to get drunk!

While we're on the topic of overwhelming snow, why not pour yourself a sifter of brandy, get cozy in front of the fireplace, and read what happens to a disparate group of travelers during a hella Winter storm in Dread and Breakfast? It's the perfect horror thriller for this bleak, long Winter, even though not a single life-saving St. Bernard appears.

 

 

Return of the Banana Hammock!

I'm so excited, my banana hammock senses are tingling!

After nearly a year, my fan-favorite Zach and Zora comic mystery novel series are coming back in print, starting from the very beginning, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock.

"Who are Zach and Zora and what's so special about them," I hear the uninitiated asking? Why they're the sleuthing brother (or I should probably say, "brah") and sister team who untangle a murder mystery each book.

No...no...that doesn't quite do the series justice. 

Let's start over. Zach is a male stripper (I'm sorry...as Zach prefers to be called, "a male entertainment dancer") who is well-meaning, but God sorta skimped on him in the brains department. In every book, he has a knack for stumbling over a dead body, with the blame nearly always falling on him.

Who does he turn to in these times of need? Why, his suffering sleuth sister, Zora, of course! As an ex-security expert, Zora's well-equipped for the task. However, she's also well-equipped with three kids in tow and is eight-months pregnant with the fourth, not to mention a short patience span when it comes to her brother.

In Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, Zach wakes up with no memory, no phone, and no clothes except his stripper g-string. And there’s that pesky naked dead guy in bed next to him. Problem is Zach’s not gay. Or a murderer. At least, he doesn’t think so.

With kids in tow, the siblings set out to find the true killer, clear Zach’s name, and reassure Zach he’s not gay. Wacky hi-jinx ensue!

It still doesn't quite do the series justice... Let's see what the reviewers have said:

*"Laugh until you wet yourself, with this cast of wacky characters and their hilarious adventures... I haven't laughed this much since I read my first Stephanie Plum book!"  Amazon Reader Review

*"OMG. Buckle up for a wild, unpredictable, laugh-out-loud ride with brother and sister duo Zach and Zora. A cool mystery, solved via wit and often despite the ultimate in sibling chaos, this little gem is unputdownable."  Amazon Reader Review

*"Total trash. I only read the first 5 pages."  Amazon Reader Review

WAIT! How'd that last one get in here?

Anyway, at $2.99 how could you go wrong? (Unless you're the last "reviewer" cited, natch).

Here's more good news (depending on if you're a half-cup full kinda person): I'm currently hard at work on the fourth book in the series, Massacre of Mustaches!

So if you're like me--tired of riots, 'rona, and ridiculous politicians, have a few laughs and thrills on me!

Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, put out by the wonderful folks of Crossroad Press (shameless plug: Clive Barker's publisher!), is available right here, right now on Amazon!