Butter Battle on Aisle Nine

I spent six hours at various grocery stores last Saturday. Prepping for Thanksgiving.

Of course a good part of my time was gobbled up by taking my mother shopping. When you deliberate for fifteen minutes on what type of butter to buy, something's not right.

"What's the cheapest butter?" asked Mom.

"Looks like $2.99."

"Huh. Highway robbery." Mom's stock answer for everything. Which I guess is pertinent to someone somewhere. Just not to the growing line of agitated shoppers behind us. But Mom wasn't going anywhere.

"Mom! It's the cheapest option. On sale. You want it?"

"I dunno..."

"I've read all the prices on all of the butter to you. $2.99 is the cheapest."

"But...it's all so expensive." 

"How about I buy the butter for you? Can we just move along? We still have to hit the meat aisle." (A dreaded encounter that goes on forever).

"Yes, Stuart, I know, I know! But the butter's so expensive. I swear...everyone's out to make a dollar."

Well, yeah, sorta the nature of capitalism and commerce. Clearly, I was on the losing end of the argument. But by now, I've realized Mom's not gonna change, best just to go along with it. Problem was we weren't going anywhere.

"Mom, here's Blue Bonnet. It's cheaper. $1.99."

"Is it margarine?"

"Um...says vegetable spread."

"Forget it. I've heard it's not good for you."

"Mom! How is it not good for you? I mean, yeah, it's processed. But, come on, vegetables? Gotta be better for you than regular butter!"

"I know what I know. Not good for you."

Back to debating the price of butter. Or as my mom says, "the price of tea in China." Which I still don't understand.

"How 'bout this butter, Mom? It's...$3.50. On sale. You save .50."

"Just in the last year, prices have gone up. It's ridiculous."

A woman burst between us, thrusting an arm into the elusive butter section. "ExCUSE me, I need butter."

Didn't deter my mom.

"Mom, see how fast that lady got her butter?"

"I don't know..."

Truly a weighty decision. I guess. Finally, I just plunked the cheapest item into her cart. "Mom, here's your butter."

"Huh. What a rip-off. Highway robbery."

Happy Thanksgiving to those in the States! Think of me while you're eating butter.

Speaking of giving, my first book, Tex, the Witch Boy is FREE, dangit! Till the end of November. Click the link if you're feeling lucky!

 And since I'm in such a giving mood, why not hit up Ghosts of Gannaway, on sale now for .99? Perfect American historical gobbling good scares.

Go Team Adventure!

My wife and I love having adventures!

Okay, we kinda, sorta like having adventures. 

Fine, I dread having adventures, flat out loathe them. Sorta less dramatic. 

But you need to understand..."adventure" has become a sort of euphemism for us regarding mishaps. 

It all started back in the winter of 2005...(cue flashback music, muddying of the screen)...

We were both snowed in at home, couldn't get to work. The entire city was under siege by a giant two-foot tall marshmallow of wetness. Yet something about the day, the climate, the gloom and good-time feeling screamed out "Chili!" Problem was we didn't have all the fixings. 

"Hey, wouldn't it be fun to walk to the grocery store?" asked my wife.

I said, "Sure!"

You know how your parents used to moan about trudging through five feet of snow to school "back in the day?" That's what it was like. Only worse. 

The snow plows couldn't even make it out of the parking lot. We were knee-deep in snow. The wind whipped the fallen snow around, a blindingly white tornado. Shark teeth of icy death bit into my face. Tears of anguish froze on my frost-bitten cheeks. I hung onto my wife's belt-loop like a prison love-slave. Why? Because I'm a slave to love.

"Are we there yet?" I screamed, because I couldn't see, couldn't hear. Couldn't feel my legs.

"No! We still have six more blocks to go! We're gonna have chili! Just follow in my footsteps!"

What ordinarily takes 15 minutes to walk took an hour. Took me twice as long to thaw out.

Once home, I said, "That sucked!"

My wife laughed, said, "It was an adventure."

Huh. I decided right there my adventuring should be lived vicariously through Indiana Jones.

But it became a thing, the kinda thing only people who are attuned to one another understand.

We've had quite a few adventures since then. Once we were going to my wife's parents' house in Oklahoma, usually a four hour trip. 

But we got so wrapped up in chatting, my wife forgot to take an exit to the right highway. Neither one of us realized it until we were in some Godforsaken town way off the beaten path, hours away. Turned into a seven hour journey. Never go from Kansas to Oklahoma and take a shortcut through California. An "adventure."

As I said, I don't like our "adventures." Again, I'm sorta lying. Any "adventure" with my wife is always worth it. Only after the fact.

Are you looking for adventure? Look no further...Secret Society by Stuart R. West (sure, it's kinda sick & twisted adventure, but you'll stay dry and warm on your sofa reading it).

Punch in the face guarantee: Secret Society!

Yep, you heard me! I believe in my suspense thriller, Secret Society, so much, I'm issuing a heretofore unparalleled guarantee: If you don't like this book, I'll personally come over to your house and you can punch me in the face!* That's right! If you're disappointed in the book, don't enjoy a ton of thrills, chills and dark laughs, your fist will meet my face!*

*Disclaimer: The reader must live within a one block range of said author's residence. Traveling is expensive. Plus, as much as I love this book, I also kinda like my face. Warning: Don't read Secret Society while driving heavy machinery. Don't mix prescription drugs with Secret Society. If drowsiness ensues, then you're not reading Secret Society. Pregnant women should not read Secret Society unless consulting me first and I say it's okay. If a rash persists while reading Secret Society, call your doctor and tell him to read Secret Society.

Haven't heard of Secret Society? Well, you've come to the right place:

Leon Garber has his reasons for ridding the world of abusive people, call it justifiable homicide. Opportunity comes knocking from Like-Minded Individuals, Inc., a global company fulfilling the needs of clients: new identities, security, and even lists of potential “projects.” But let’s not call it “serial killing” (such a nasty term). For Leon, it’s a dream come true.

However, LMI has put a target on Leon’s back, with no indication of why. LMI, the police, sanctioned hit men, and a vicious psychopath are after Leon. He collides with other Like-Minded Individuals: The Good Samaritan Killer, The Mad Doctor, Donnie and Marie (don’t ask). Heads are chopped, dropped, and swapped as Leon fights for his life. But nothing will keep him from finishing his current project. Not even the chance to fall in love. Sometimes a killer business idea is just that. Killer.

'Secret Society pulls you in for a furious ride, sure to give you chills. Dark, gritty and meaty fun.'
-Meradeth Houston, author of the Sary Society series.

'A brilliant thriller about a society of serial killers with just a dusting of humor. Suspense fans will not be disappointed.'
-Heather Greenis, author of the Natasha Saga.

‘Dexter meets Dilbert. Take a serial killer, cross it with bureaucracy of the damned & the game is on.’
-5 star USA Review 

All of this fun to be had just a click away: Secret Society. Satisfaction guaranteed or you punch me in the face!*

Trapped in Lucien's Bar!

Okay, doing something a little different this week.  

Huzzah and welcome to the Realms Faire! Strap on your finest Medieval clothing, hoist a sword, bring an extra turkey leg. Several writers are "jousting" for points and stuff. Like a dang videogame. Only it's real! The stakes are high! Today (Thursday, November 12th), I'm battling it out over on author M. Pax's blog.  Leave a comment to win free books and other prizes. And while you're commenting, drop in the words: "Sir Stuart R. West," "stirrup," and "zombie." Help me beat the competing fantasist!

Tomorrow (Friday, the 13th...my favorite date), I'll be battling it out on River Fairchild's blog. Here...let's let River explain it:

Stuart needs your help. He’s trapped in Lucien’s Bar, the gateway to the Underworld, and challenging Death to a peanut-eating contest is his only way out. Please come over and cheer him on. Your comments will improve his chances. The Immortals aren’t above cheating so here are three magic words to give Stuart an edge in the contest: sticky, bones, chew. Use these words in your comment to give him an added boost.

Also, check out the fun at Mary Waibel's blog and Cassandra Webb's blog. 

Okay, get going folks, just a couple clicks away!

And, while I have you all here, I need to give a shout out to my very first book, Tex, the Witch Boy, FREE for the rest of November! If you're late to the party, give it a shot, you have nothing to lose.

Other books (but you gotta buy these!):
Ghosts of Gannaway.

Secret Society.

Zombie Rapture. 

Mad Scientists and Hunchbacks

Over the Halloween weekend , I conducted a lot of research. I watched a lot of mad scientist movies. I mean, a lot.

One thing I noticed is every mad scientist always has a hunchbacked assistant. How this strange scientific anomaly first occurred bugged me.

Moreover...why? So I delved even further into the subject.
Is there something special in a hunchback's skill-set that qualifies him to be a mad scientist's assistant? Furthermore, where do the mad scientists find them? I can see the Craig's List posting: Wanted: Hunchback to aid in performing world conquering experiments. Must be mute, not too bright. Communicates through moaning only. Contact Dr. Evilhausen at 666-666-6666.

Really, I've yet to see any of these hunchbacked assistants contribute much. I suppose it started with Ygor in the Universal Frankenstein film series. And he botched his first big assignment, retrieving an abnormal criminal's brain. Honestly. Good help is so hard to find these days, particularly in the mad scientist field. But the complete incompetence of movie hunchbacks is probably not why mad scientists seek them out.

It's certainly not for their communication skills, either. Usually, they moan, whine, freak out. Terrible at dinner parties.

Of course there's the entire dominance theme. Everyone knows a good mad scientist likes to lord it over people, suffering from a real God-like complex. And who better to push around than a hunchback? Whips are usually involved, a fetishistic choice, I suppose. Honestly, hunchbacks really oughta think about unionizing.

If I was a mad scientist, I'd probably rather have someone around who's adept at adjusting the radioactive meter on the monster-making machine, or at the very least able to polish the living head hydroplasty case on a regular basis.

I have nothing against hunchbacks. Don't get me wrong. Hunchbacks are people, too. It just baffles me why mad scientists keep hiring them.

There are no hunchbacks or mad scientists in my dark books. Yet. But you can find plenty of other spooky thrills and chilling suspense at my Amazon author's page. Tell 'em Ygor sent you. 

David Fraser: Worst Interview EVER!

Please welcome back Dave Fraser, half of the awesome writing team of the terrific Jose Picada mystery comedy series. The other half, Heather Brainerd, couldn’t be reached. Sick or something. I guess.

SRW: Hey, Dave, how’re things going?

DF: Things are going great. Well, they're going okay, not great. I broke a tooth last week. You might think it was on candy or something. Nope. It was on a salad. Stupid lettuce. The tooth didn't hurt much, but there was a filling in that tooth and the chip exposed an edge of the filling. Every time I spoke, my tongue rubbed up against the sharp filling edge, so I spent a few days not talking much until my dentist could see me. My kids said it was a great few days.

SRW: Huh. That’s…interesting. I suppose lettuce can be deadly. Anyway, tell us about your thrilling new book, The Dragon-Kitty. It’s an interesting title, already has me dying to read it!

DF: Me too. 

SRW: Well…okay…but, you wrote it, Dave! Having read all of your Jose Picada books, I’m quite intrigued by your newest work. So, what’s The Dragon-Kitty about?

DF: It's the heartwarming and spine chilling tale of eleven-year-old Percy Potter, who discovers one day that not only is he a wizard, but he's also the son of Poseidon.  And his sister develops magical powers over ice and snow. She accidentally freezes their town and sings some very catchy songs. And a vampire and a werewolf both fall in love with him while he tries to throw a magic ring into the volcano where it was forged.

SRW:  Hm. So. Ah…a fantasy then? Sounds like a lot of disparate elements and heavy influences. Been watching a lot of movies lately, Dave? LOL. I can’t imagine trying to pull off songs in a novel. But I’m along for the ride. What inspired the novel?

DF: Nothing but my own original thoughts. I did NOT simply walk over to my kids' DVD collection and blatantly steal ideas.

 

SRW: Yikes. Simmer down, Dave. No one’s accusing you of anything (cough *Frozen; Lord of the Rings; Twilight; Harry Potter *cough). I’m sure you put your own spin on things. So…where does the titular Dragon-Kitty come in?

DF: You forgot Percy Jackson. I mean....never mind.

SRW: Um, Dave…is there a dragon-kitty in the book? It’s featured on your interesting cover.

DF: Well, you see, I did the cover first and then wrote the book. It seems as though I forgot to include a dragon-kitty. The working title for the sequel is The Dragon-Kitty 2: The Ninja Dragon-Kitty, so I have another chance to put one in somewhere.

SRW:  Well…I would think you’d want a dragon-kitty in there somewhere. I mean, it IS the title of the book. But, whatever. Okay, let’s talk about your main character, Percy Potter. 

DF: Percy Potter. He's a boy with an unruly mop of dark hair with a scar on his cheek in the shape of Johnny Depp. He also speaks in textspeak, like LOL and OMG and HSKLGIYSKH. That really cut down on the amount of typing I had to do. There are entire sections of monologue where it's just strings of letters.

SRW: I see. Sounds like it’ll appeal to a wide audience. (Maybe.) Well…hm…how about an excerpt?

DF: (Excerpt:)

Percy eyed the troll's club, not at all happy with the way that it was being swung at his head. The club crept closer with each swing. He had an advantage in speed, but that wouldn't last much longer. If only he hadn't lost his wand, he'd have a chance. The only escape was to confuse the troll.

"R U familiar with Immanuel Kant?" Percy asked.

It took a few seconds for the words to sink in. After two more swipes at Percy's head, the troll rested on her club like a cane, blinking rapidly. "Can't?" she said.

"Right. He argued that all actions can B good or bad based on the choice between duty and inclination, not the outcome. R U trying 2 kill me because U want 2, or because your master told U 2?"

The troll cocked her head to the side and stared at Percy. "Yes." Her face settled into a confused expression, which wasn't uncommon for a troll.

"That is 2 say," continued Percy, " from your point of view, smashing my head in is a good thing. However, and I cannot stress this strongly enough, this is merely 1 way 2 look at it. Consider the possibility that this is not a good thing.  U have a choice. Do U want 2, or do U have 2?"

The troll leaned down and inhaled deeply through her nose. "Percy Potter smell good." She batted her eyelashes.

A wave of nausea swept through Percy. There was just one thing that might save his life.

Romance.

"Oh, thank U," said Percy. "And your smell is very...unique."

She smiled at him.

"And are those chunks of unicorn in your teeth? They really complement your gingivitis."

With a giggle, the troll scooped Percy up, tossed him over her shoulder, and carried him into her cave.

SRW: Wow. I mean, really…wow. When’s the book come out, Dave? Or is it out? I can’t find it anywhere.

DF: It's a very limited release. Currently, it's only for sale in Sweden in a chain of book stores called Das Bṏṑk Stȍŕ. Full international availability will be timed to coincide with the movie release.

 

Here's David's author photo he sent. Something smells funny.

SRW: Movie release. Right. Dave…this book doesn’t exist, does it?

DF: Sure it does. There's a book cover and an excerpt. How can there be a cover and an excerpt if there's no book? 

SRW: Sigh. Whatever, Dave. I give up.

There you have it folks. Be on the look-out for Dave Fraser’s The Dragon-Kitty. Let me know if you find it. In the meantime, be sure and check out Dave and Heather's Amazon page: FOR BOOKS I KNOW EXIST.

Halloween Scares!

Boo! Sorry, sorry, sorry. Didn't see you drinking coffee there.

Give me a break, though, it's Halloween. The scariest time of the year. Now, color me jaded, but in my annual mini holiday horror film-fest, I'm finding fewer things actually frighten me. Zombies? Ho-hum. Werewolves? Don't make me laugh. Vampires? What, pray tell, is scary about sullen male models who sparkle? Ghosts? Well, maybe. If they're real. But I've never had an encounter. I sit here, bravely writing this in the daylight, basically challenging ghosts to come visit. (Of course if they did, I'd end up shrieking like a little girl, but let's not dwell on that.)

So. I started thinking...what does scare me? The answers may shock you. (Or send you cruising elsewhere in indifference.)

1) The police! I dunno what it is about these guys, but they terrify me. If one's holding the door open for me at a convenience store, I freeze up. Avoid eye contact at all costs. It's almost as if they can read into my guilty soul, that they know I cheated on one college exam. Or they can foresee the evil in my heart I'm gonna' think about next week. J'accuse! Don't even get me going if one happens to be following behind me in my car.

2) Heights! This one's weird. I wasn't always terrified of heights. Up until about ten years ago, I was a daredevil, bravely (stupidly) riding the tallest, craziest, most dangerous roller-coasters in the world. One of them I can't believe I survived. A run down amusement park was home to this dinosaur, a relic on worn and rickety wooden tracks. Fairyland Park it was called, a less than apt name. Anyway...I didn't even know I'd developed a phobia of heights until my daughter and I visited a (supposedly haunted) lighthouse in Florida about ten years back. I went looking for ghosts, found a new fear instead. At the top of the lighthouse, I couldn't look down, glued to the wall. Other visitors found the cowering big guy hilarious. Shut up! It's strange new fears can develop over the years. So look out. I'm just sayin'.

3) Personal search history on my lap-top! I'm sure the government's got a list on me already. I'm probably considered someone to watch (just not in a, you know, cool trending way). For my books, I've researched quite a few questionable topics: witchcraft, serial killers, lock-picking, guns, satanism, poison, arson, meth labs, the fun never stops. And now, male strippers. Basically, my whole life is wrapped up in this lil' lap-top. Available for anyone with a clue about hacking to see. Especially The Government. Big Brother never has to leave the sofa again.

These are just a few of the things that terrify me. Brrr. Makes me long for a good old-fashioned poltergeist haunting.

How about everyone else? Do you have any actual haunting stories? I promise I won't laugh (much). What scares you?

Hey, if you're looking to jump start your scares, consider some of my books:

Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of humans? I do!: Godland

 A paranoid paranormal tale in the vein of The Stepford Wives: Neighborhood Watch

How about a suspenseful zombie tale with some laughs and a major twist: Zombie Rapture

A decades spanning ghost story based on true events (sorta). On sale now for only .99: Ghosts of Gannaway