It's The Most Spookiest Time Of The Year...

It's the most magical time of the year. Everything's turning orange. The air outside is crisper than a cracker. My wife's donning turtlenecks. Leaves are starting to fall, crackling with a pleasant crunch underfoot (until I have to rake). Deranged serial killers are lurking behind trees wearing plastic masks...wait, what?

Okay! Being the Halloween season, I'm doing my due diligence and delving into horror films. And man, have I delved. I won't hit you up with every loser I struggled through. But I'll mention the noteworthy (for various reasons) films. Get used to it. I'm going to do this each year.

*Possibly the biggest surprise to me was the remake of Fright Night (2011). I hadn't expected to like this in the least, after having suffered through so many poor remakes of horror "classics (debatable term)." But this film is surprising, funny, well-acted and sharply-written. I actually like the original, but I think the filmmakers, for once, improved on the original recipe. Recommended.

*Well, anything Guillermo DelToro touches is (usually) golden. He produced Mama, and it's a pseudo-classic. I sorta' freaked out on the feral kids, but that only hints at the spooky moments here. Very scary film. Too bad the last five minutes nearly derail the whole damn thing.

*Dead Silence. Sigh. What can I say? It's not very good. Pretty much sucks in fact. But. Anytime you
toss in a ventriloquist dummy, with those dead, yet alive (SQUIRREL!) eyes, I'm terrified. And there's some pretty freaky imagery throughout the whole film. For the ladies, Ryan Kwanten (Jason from True Blood) stars and thankfully keeps his clothes on. Still can't act very well.

*Hey, punch in that Duran-Duran eight-track tape and welcome to the eighties! The Newlydeads is truly awful. It has some sorta', maybe, kinda' plot about a transvestite ghost, a hero the film  apparently doesn't mind is a murderer, some psychic woman, fun decapitations, and lots of trees. If you're a fan of blowsy, big-haired, blond women in "mom jeans (the kind they wear up over their navel and wide at the hip like my dad used to wear)"--and admittedly, I'm a closeted fan--this is your film. I loved it for all the wrong reasons. Most I laughed all year.

*I bought into the hype and checked out three Boris Karloff "horror" films. Man, am I stupid. Night Key, The Black Castle, and The Climax (um, not a porno film). Obviously trying to leach onto Karloff's success in Frankenstein, all of these films' trailers claim to be the "most terrifying thing since Frankenstein." Yeah, right. The first two are mediocre melodramas. The Climax is horrifying alright. It's a friggin' musical that features one of those god-awful, bird-chirping, warbling singers from the forties. She'll make your tooth-fillings ache. And the lead guy's one of those rosy-cheeked, earnestly high-pitched voiced dudes who'll make you want to pull your hair out. I call unfair. And definitely not recommended. Any of 'em.

That about does it. I'd love to hear about everyone else's Halloween viewing.

Stay spooky.

Squirrels Gone Wild

Our yard, set in a nice suburban Kansas neighborhood, contains a potpourri of wildlife, practically a wildlife habitat. Rabbits bounce, procreate, and my wife instructs our dog to eat them when they gnaw away at her garden. Snakes slither through the grass, pop out of bushes like a cobra out of a basket (I shriek like a child but let's not dwell on that). Bats flap at night, strange unidentifiable birds make weird, inexplicable electronic noises in the mornings. My favorite critter is the grand-daddy of all possums, who I used to see slowly lumbering home every morning at seven A.M., after a night of wild partying (a kindred soul), and sleeping it off underneath our deck. Haven't seen him in a while. Hope he's okay. Fist bump, possum.

But it's the squirrels. The freaky, scary, damn squirrels.

Couple summers ago, I walked out to my car parked in the street. A huge Oak tree-biggest in the 'hood-hovers over our house, practically shading the whole neighborhood. I had a hand on the car door when a loud explosion woke me up more than a barrel full of coffee. A squirrel magically materialized on the car-roof, stretched his neck up to the sky, checking out his bearings. He shook his head, I kid you not, clearing the cobwebs from his addled squirrel-brain after he plummeted from the tree onto my car's roof. We locked eyes. His cold, dark murderous black orbs glared at me. I swear he furrowed his brow. It was an instant frozen in time and twice as scary. Then he ran off, seemingly no worse for the wear. Long fall, too. But...that look. I know he blamed me. J'accuse!

Isolated incident? I think not. The other morning my wife left for work. Plunk! An acorn hit her head. She looked up. A squirrel glowered at her, challenging her. There was no doubt in her mind (and she's a scientist, for God's sake) he tossed it at her.

Not that I'm a specieist, but (and whenever someone prefaces a sentence like that, it means they usually are what they claim they're not) these dang squirrels are taking over. An animal coup d'état is on the horizon, Planet Of The Apes style.

I'm reminded of the mercifully short-lived "Man vs. Nature" horror films of the '70's. They usually starred people like Leslie Nielson (before his "funny stage") and Joan Collins (in her "washed up stage") as evil capitalists who want to destroy nature in the name of the almighty buck. Then the animals inevitably revolt. Anyone remember these films? No? Am I the only one? One particular film that haunted me in my childhood was Frogs starring Ray Milland. Of course it totally sucks in hindsight (I mean, frogs? Really? How harmful can they be?).But now...I don't know. Seems pretty omniscient.

Squirrels. Be careful, gang. I'm just sayin'.

Return Of The Christian Werewolf Erotica!

I swear. Some time back, I joked about writing a Christian, werewolf erotica novel. You know what? It's been my most popular blog post thus far. So, I'm going with another entry. Y'all better be careful for what you wish. I'm now contemplating unleashing (rabies and all) a whole novel full of this idiocy.

Fair warning, folks. The heat level's gonna' rise! So, tuck in the little ones, grab a glass of wine, settle back and sizzle.

Clears throat. Okay, here we go...

I nibbled on his ear like a communion wafer. His furry unibrow raised up to Heaven, his toes bent down to Hades. He gazed at me, howled, then asked, "Do you...do you...watch Fox network news?" The question didn't need to be answered, no time for words. Nothing mattered but the moment. I grabbed his pointed ears like handlebars, pulled him down next to me. A true gentleman, he lapped at his privates. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. He jumped up, circled the bed several times like a dog before a nap, panted, then fell back in bed. His tongue lashed out at my face. After wiping his saliva off, I maneuvered my way on top of him. Being an internet-certified pastor, I quickly delivered a marriage ceremony. Now I could truly enjoy the pleasures of his lupine body, no sinning involved.

"Ethel," he moaned. "Oh, God..."

"Yes, praise him," I replied.

"You're the first human woman I've been with."

"And the last..."

"No, I mean, really, arooooooo! I've only been with were-men before you."

"What?"

Ooh! I've just turned my Christian erotica werewolf novel into a GAY Christian erotica werewolf novel! This suckah's gonna' sell through the roof!

Okay, what do you guys think? I'm either going to Hell or becoming a millionaire.

Working title is "50 Fleas Of Fur."

No government? Fine. No taxes

Well, crap, we no longer have any government. Weird, right? So far there's no rioting in the streets, looting, or embarrassing flash-mobs in the malls. And since we're still civilized in the malls-the last bastion of humanity-we just might weather through this.

So a bunch of tea party (pinky fingers uplifted, of course, while they sip their drinks) members and republicans threw a hissy fit because they didn't get their way. Cry me a river and let me urinate in it. Sorry for the vulgarity, gang, but I'm pretty pissed.

The One Percent is gonna' come out of this just fine and dandy, probably better than ever, thank you very much. Interest rates are going to rise. The high and mighty decision-makers will sit back in their leather recliners, stroking their white cats in their laps, and giggling at the misery they've wrought. Can't ever get enough money, after all, and that's what it's all about. Meanwhile, lots of people are hurting, government funded programs now defunct. And hard-working folks are losing their jobs.

Why? We know the answer. Greed and stupidity.

SO what's the upside? Not a damn thing. But I'm thinking of forcing an upside. If the so-called decision-makers of the United States decides there's no more government, then I'll back them. That means I shouldn't have to pay taxes anymore, right? Hell, yeah. It's a revolution started on my sofa!

Fight the man!

Come Party With Meradeth Houston. Colors Like Memories Is In Print!

Hi! *waves* I'm incredibly excited to announce the paperback release for COLORS LIKE MEMORIES. The ebook release has been a blast, and it is especially awesome to actually hold the book in my hands :) Here are three things I think you might find fun about the book:

1. It's got a pretty sweet cover :) And I'm rather partial to the blurb:

Julia has a secret: she killed the guy she loved. It was an accident—sort of.

Julia is a Sary, the soul of a child who died before taking her first breath. Without this 'breath of life' she and others like her must help those on the verge of suicide. It's a job Julia used to enjoy, until the accident that claimed her boyfriend’s life—an accident she knows was her fault. If living with the guilt weren't enough, she's now assigned to help a girl dealing with the loss of her mother, something Julia's not exactly the best role model for. If she can't figure out a way to help her, Julia's going to lose her position in the Sary, something she swore to her boyfriend would never happen.

 2. There have been some pretty awesome things said about it (if I do say so myself, but I may be a bit biased). See:

 -"...I applaud the author for providing a writing that has the power to encourage, inspire, help, heal and simply serve as a platform to stimulate communication for any reader (regardless of age), who is feeling hopeless. If you are looking for an interesting read, this book is well written, interesting and has several positive messages that the reader can take away from the story. I would recommend this book to any reader." TWC Amazon Review

 -"Colors Like Memories was an amazing YA paranormal romance. It will make you soar with wings then drop you off and catch you once you get near the ground." Michelle Kullman Amazon Review

 -"COLORS LIKE MEMORIES is an achingly beautiful tale of love, loss, and new beginnings. Meradeth Houston writes with a clean, clear prose that packs a punch. She carries her characters through the full spectrum of emotions, and the reader is swept along in the journey." RunningnWriting Amazon Review

 3. You don't have to wait for book #2! THE CHEMISTRY OF FATE, also set in the Sary world, is already available, and you can grab a copy at Amazon, B&N, or my publisher MuseItUp Publishing. Book #3, SURRENDER THE SKY, will also be released soon :)
You can pre-order COLORS LIKE MEMORIES at my publisher's site: MuseItUp Publishing, or find it on Amazon, and Barnes & Noble. Ebook copies are also available on all vendor sites!

Those are my three things, and if that's not enough to interest you, well, I've also got a little giveaway running for a book of your choice. Check out the rafflecopter below :)

 

A bit about Meradeth:

 >She’s a Northern California girl, but now lives and teaches anthropology in Montana.

 >When she’s not writing, she’s sequencing dead people’s DNA. For fun!

 >She’s been writing since she was 11 years old. It's her hobby, her passion, and she’s so happy to get to share her work!

 >If she could have a super-power, it would totally be flying. Which is a little strange, because she’s terrified of heights.

Get Meradeth's book here:

http://www.amazon.com/Colors-Like-Memories-ebook/dp/B0083ODXSG/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

 

http://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/new-releases/series/colors-like-memories-print-book-detail

Find her online:
 Website : Blog : Twitter : Facebook : Pinterest : Goodreads

 a Rafflecopter giveaway

Direct link to Rafflecopter.

My Wife's A Serial Killer!

I woke up this morning angry at my wife. When I got out of the shower, I told her as much.

"Why?" she asked. "Did I flush on you again?"

"No." For once it wasn't that. But she does have an uncanny knack of flushing the upstairs toilet as soon as I enter the shower downstairs. Makes for an eye-opening, genital-shrinking, freezing way to kick off your morning. "No, you woke me up at four A.M. because of what you did in my nightmare."

In my dream, a friend of hers called, asked her if she'd be interested in killing someone. All in the name of science, of course. At first she declined. But I saw the spark in her eye, her killer cogs turning. Soon, she said she'd like to do it, wanted to know if I'd like to join in on the weekend excursion. I hemmed and hawed, then gave into her. It went against my better judgment, but I saw how much it meant to her. So six of us got a motel room (three couples, three double-size beds) and proceeded to collect three people to murder. I chickened out, lay on the bed with the pillow over my head while the wacky antics ensued around me. At some point my in-laws showed up. The next morning it was time to check out. But there was a strange Hawaiian-shirted cop in the room, asking questions. The cops were closing in and...

I woke up. Couldn't believe my wife put me through that.

But that's unfair, I feel you thinking. You have to understand, I'm the guy who grounded my daughter years ago because of her behavior in one of my dreams.

The weird thing is, this is a variation on a recurring nightmare I have. I'm always somehow involved in a murder (usually an accident), I try and cover it up using the most convoluted methods in the world (yet at the time, they make perfect sense), and the cops are ready to nail me.

Huh. I told my daughter about these nightmares a few days ago. She launched into full-on psychoanalytical mode. She said, "Dad, either you feel guilty about something or...all of the macabre events you write about are getting to you."

Maybe I am taking my work to bed with me.

Strolling Down The Dark Side With L.J. Holmes

Groundhog L. J!

L. J. Holmes is a long-time author of romantic and erotica fiction, practically one of the cornerstones of our publisher, Muse-It-Up Publishing. But I'm especially taken with her shorter works of dark fiction. They're extremely evocative and well-written. Always expect the unexpected. Please give a big ol' welcome to L. J. Holmes!

*Hi, L. J., thanks for stopping by. I think you'll fit right in here at "Twisted Tales."

Thank you Stuart, for having me. I'm honored, and I'm blushing. Thank you for your generous description.

*In your story, "She's Gone," you've written one of the best mystery set-ups I've read in some time. Tell our readers a little about it.

This is a story about a man who comes home from work at the end of the day, expecting to find his wife and her cat waiting to greet him and his life to be what it was yesterday,
the day before and so on...but it's not. The house echoes with

its emptiness. There's no sound of life, no scents of dinner being made. It like he's walked into a tomb of the home he knows. A quick search tells him something is wrong...very wrong. His wife is gone. Her side of the closet is empty, but he can't wrap his head around it. Before leaving for work that very morning they'd made passionate love. So where is his wife? Backtracking he starts to see odd things slightly out of place and begins tallying up the clues...but the solution nearly drives him to his knees.

*What I like about the plot is it's so simple, yet brilliant. I defy anyone to not finish the tale! In fact, I think it'd be a great tale to teach in a creative writing course. You could withhold your ending, see what your students come up with.

I love writing stories with surprise endings. Most of my short stories have surprise endings that haunt and surprise me, the author, and those who've read my work. One of my best surprise endings takes place in another short I wrote called FOREVER WITH YOU. No one has ever anticipated the ending to that one.

*It's hard to talk about the story without giving away the ending (NOT what I expected). But it's a powerful ending. Without getting into specifics (it's hard, I know), does the ending hold special significance for you?

Yes, but as you said, talking about it would give it away.

*The writing is deceptively simple, yet clever. It develops its own rhythm, almost free-form jazz style. The recurring refrain "She's gone" almost plays like a drum riff punctuating the protagonist's thoughts. Was this intentional? Or, um, do I have a lot of spare time on my hands?

No you're absolutely right. I wanted the continual reciting of the title and of course the dilemma and mystery he's facing to ratchet up the tension.

*Having read "She's Gone," the first thing that struck me is I bet you'd write a great mystery noir, full of tough guys, double-crossing women, and snappy patter. Have you ever given this genre any thought?

I actually never thought I could write any kind of mystery. I'm a big Agatha Christie fan. She was brilliant. The way she incorporates the clues throughout the story so you really don't catch on who she's aiming her finger at until you reach the very end and then go back and reread it takes my breath away. I don't think of myself as clever enough to do that.

*Let's move onto "Twilight Comes." What starts out
as an interesting character study about a rather self-involved stockbroker soon turns into, um, something quite different. Almost did a spit-take with my morning coffee! Thoughts?

Yeah...this is one of the hardest stories I've ever written and the most difficult for me to figure out how to promote and/or discuss, but life is filled with things that are hard to discuss...but we can't run from them either. It is a very powerful story, and one I'm very proud to have written.

*Then there's "Life's Journey." The tale details a woman, perilously close to death, who is guided through her past life by her grandmother's spirit. Then she has a tough decision to make. Now your protagonist certainly had a tough life. My question to you is how much of it is autobiographical?

99%. The only fiction is the leg injury. I did not lose my leg.

*What's your personal take on the afterlife?

I've had several surgeries throughout my thirties and forties. I don't do well under anesthetics and have had a few cardiac arrests while on the table. I also drowned when I was four. To date, I've had three Near Death Experiences, and each one showed me another aspect of the After-Life.

I know there are those who will say what I experienced was caused by lack of oxygen, and they may be right...except, what I experienced changed me, and if lack of oxygen can bring peace and absolute belief in a Father/Mother capable of loving me the way I felt loved, give me more lack of oxygen, please.

Because of my experiences, I don't fear death, but I also know I'm here for a purpose and that is to be the best me I can figure out how to be.

*Do you feel your protagonist made the right decision?

Since it's about me...and I DID make the decision, sometimes yes, sometimes no.

*What compels you to go to the "dark side?"

The same thing that drove me to get my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. I was married to a very violent, controlling man who carried a Federal Badge he thought gave him absolute rights over everyone. It took me eleven years to find resources willing to stand behind me in the legal system so I could get myself and my children away from him. I needed to understand how a human being could say he loves me and do the things he did. I'm STILL trying to figure it out. Through writing about the darker side of life, I'm able to explore all kinds of motivations, and I'm hoping to make the path easier for someone else.

*How much of your life is reflected in your writing?

It depends on what I'm writing about, but a great deal of who I am comes through in the journeys I have my characters go through. At least 85%.

*What's up next for L.J?

I have four releases coming out between now and the end of this year. Two of them are sequels...the first coming out in September is a sequel to a story I wrote tongue-in-cheek for our Publisher here at Muse It Up because I wanted to cheer her up. It's erotica with humor and called SUC-U TOO. (Book One is SUC-U).

Another one I wrote again, tongue-in-cheek and is coming out in October is DIAMONDS FROM THE ROUGHAGE. Ever wonder where diamonds REALLY come from? Well, I tell all.

In December I have TWO releases...the first is the final book in my Christmas Miracles Series called CHRISTMAS GOES GREEN with a heroine who's half leprechaun-half witch, and a hero who's half elf-half human. My first in this series, SANTA IS A LADY amazed when it won the 2010 Preditors and Editors Readers Poll. It took fifth place in its category less than two months after its release. I'm hoping CHRISTMAS GOES GREEN will be as well received.
My second December release is a short called THE END OF TOMORROW and is somewhat dark...but does have a Happy Ending.

There you have it, folks. Thanks, Lin, these are great answers and you're a very interesting person. Please do seek out her tales, they're well worth your time.

Here's her Muse-It-Up Publishing page: http://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/search?keyword=L.J.+Holmes&limitstart=0&option=com_virtuemart&view=category

And Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/L.J.-Holmes/e/B004U347U2/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1379871450&sr=1-2-ent