Saturday, October 26, 2013

It's The Most Spookiest Time Of The Year...

It's the most magical time of the year. Everything's turning orange. The air outside is crisper than a cracker. My wife's donning turtlenecks. Leaves are starting to fall, crackling with a pleasant crunch underfoot (until I have to rake). Deranged serial killers are lurking behind trees wearing plastic masks...wait, what?

Okay! Being the Halloween season, I'm doing my due diligence and delving into horror films. And man, have I delved. I won't hit you up with every loser I struggled through. But I'll mention the noteworthy (for various reasons) films. Get used to it. I'm going to do this each year.

*Possibly the biggest surprise to me was the remake of Fright Night (2011). I hadn't expected to like this in the least, after having suffered through so many poor remakes of horror "classics (debatable term)." But this film is surprising, funny, well-acted and sharply-written. I actually like the original, but I think the filmmakers, for once, improved on the original recipe. Recommended.

*Well, anything Guillermo DelToro touches is (usually) golden. He produced Mama, and it's a pseudo-classic. I sorta' freaked out on the feral kids, but that only hints at the spooky moments here. Very scary film. Too bad the last five minutes nearly derail the whole damn thing.

*Dead Silence. Sigh. What can I say? It's not very good. Pretty much sucks in fact. But. Anytime you
toss in a ventriloquist dummy, with those dead, yet alive (SQUIRREL!) eyes, I'm terrified. And there's some pretty freaky imagery throughout the whole film. For the ladies, Ryan Kwanten (Jason from True Blood) stars and thankfully keeps his clothes on. Still can't act very well.

*Hey, punch in that Duran-Duran eight-track tape and welcome to the eighties! The Newlydeads is truly awful. It has some sorta', maybe, kinda' plot about a transvestite ghost, a hero the film  apparently doesn't mind is a murderer, some psychic woman, fun decapitations, and lots of trees. If you're a fan of blowsy, big-haired, blond women in "mom jeans (the kind they wear up over their navel and wide at the hip like my dad used to wear)"--and admittedly, I'm a closeted fan--this is your film. I loved it for all the wrong reasons. Most I laughed all year.

*I bought into the hype and checked out three Boris Karloff "horror" films. Man, am I stupid. Night Key, The Black Castle, and The Climax (um, not a porno film). Obviously trying to leach onto Karloff's success in Frankenstein, all of these films' trailers claim to be the "most terrifying thing since Frankenstein." Yeah, right. The first two are mediocre melodramas. The Climax is horrifying alright. It's a friggin' musical that features one of those god-awful, bird-chirping, warbling singers from the forties. She'll make your tooth-fillings ache. And the lead guy's one of those rosy-cheeked, earnestly high-pitched voiced dudes who'll make you want to pull your hair out. I call unfair. And definitely not recommended. Any of 'em.

That about does it. I'd love to hear about everyone else's Halloween viewing.

Stay spooky.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Squirrels Gone Wild

Our yard, set in a nice suburban Kansas neighborhood, contains a potpourri of wildlife, practically a wildlife habitat. Rabbits bounce, procreate, and my wife instructs our dog to eat them when they gnaw away at her garden. Snakes slither through the grass, pop out of bushes like a cobra out of a basket (I shriek like a child but let's not dwell on that). Bats flap at night, strange unidentifiable birds make weird, inexplicable electronic noises in the mornings. My favorite critter is the grand-daddy of all possums, who I used to see slowly lumbering home every morning at seven A.M., after a night of wild partying (a kindred soul), and sleeping it off underneath our deck. Haven't seen him in a while. Hope he's okay. Fist bump, possum.

But it's the squirrels. The freaky, scary, damn squirrels.

Couple summers ago, I walked out to my car parked in the street. A huge Oak tree-biggest in the 'hood-hovers over our house, practically shading the whole neighborhood. I had a hand on the car door when a loud explosion woke me up more than a barrel full of coffee. A squirrel magically materialized on the car-roof, stretched his neck up to the sky, checking out his bearings. He shook his head, I kid you not, clearing the cobwebs from his addled squirrel-brain after he plummeted from the tree onto my car's roof. We locked eyes. His cold, dark murderous black orbs glared at me. I swear he furrowed his brow. It was an instant frozen in time and twice as scary. Then he ran off, seemingly no worse for the wear. Long fall, too. But...that look. I know he blamed me. J'accuse!


Isolated incident? I think not. The other morning my wife left for work. Plunk! An acorn hit her head. She looked up. A squirrel glowered at her, challenging her. There was no doubt in her mind (and she's a scientist, for God's sake) he tossed it at her.

Not that I'm a specieist, but (and whenever someone prefaces a sentence like that, it means they usually are what they claim they're not) these dang squirrels are taking over. An animal coup d'├ętat is on the horizon, Planet Of The Apes style.

I'm reminded of the mercifully short-lived "Man vs. Nature" horror films of the '70's. They usually starred people like Leslie Nielson (before his "funny stage") and Joan Collins (in her "washed up stage") as evil capitalists who want to destroy nature in the name of the almighty buck. Then the animals inevitably revolt. Anyone remember these films? No? Am I the only one? One particular film that haunted me in my childhood was Frogs starring Ray Milland. Of course it totally sucks in hindsight (I mean, frogs? Really? How harmful can they be?).But now...I don't know. Seems pretty omniscient.

Squirrels. Be careful, gang. I'm just sayin'.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Return Of The Christian Werewolf Erotica!

I swear. Some time back, I joked about writing a Christian, werewolf erotica novel. You know what? It's been my most popular blog post thus far. So, I'm going with another entry. Y'all better be careful for what you wish. I'm now contemplating unleashing (rabies and all) a whole novel full of this idiocy.

Fair warning, folks. The heat level's gonna' rise! So, tuck in the little ones, grab a glass of wine, settle back and sizzle.


Clears throat. Okay, here we go...

I nibbled on his ear like a communion wafer. His furry unibrow raised up to Heaven, his toes bent down to Hades. He gazed at me, howled, then asked, "Do you...do you...watch Fox network news?" The question didn't need to be answered, no time for words. Nothing mattered but the moment. I grabbed his pointed ears like handlebars, pulled him down next to me. A true gentleman, he lapped at his privates. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. He jumped up, circled the bed several times like a dog before a nap, panted, then fell back in bed. His tongue lashed out at my face. After wiping his saliva off, I maneuvered my way on top of him. Being an internet-certified pastor, I quickly delivered a marriage ceremony. Now I could truly enjoy the pleasures of his lupine body, no sinning involved.

"Ethel," he moaned. "Oh, God..."

"Yes, praise him," I replied.

"You're the first human woman I've been with."

"And the last..."

"No, I mean, really, arooooooo! I've only been with were-men before you."

"What?"

Ooh! I've just turned my Christian erotica werewolf novel into a GAY Christian erotica werewolf novel! This suckah's gonna' sell through the roof!

Okay, what do you guys think? I'm either going to Hell or becoming a millionaire.

Working title is "50 Fleas Of Fur."

Sunday, October 6, 2013

No government? Fine. No taxes

Well, crap, we no longer have any government. Weird, right? So far there's no rioting in the streets, looting, or embarrassing flash-mobs in the malls. And since we're still civilized in the malls-the last bastion of humanity-we just might weather through this.

So a bunch of tea party (pinky fingers uplifted, of course, while they sip their drinks) members and republicans threw a hissy fit because they didn't get their way. Cry me a river and let me urinate in it. Sorry for the vulgarity, gang, but I'm pretty pissed.

The One Percent is gonna' come out of this just fine and dandy, probably better than ever, thank you very much. Interest rates are going to rise. The high and mighty decision-makers will sit back in their leather recliners, stroking their white cats in their laps, and giggling at the misery they've wrought. Can't ever get enough money, after all, and that's what it's all about. Meanwhile, lots of people are hurting, government funded programs now defunct. And hard-working folks are losing their jobs.

Why? We know the answer. Greed and stupidity.

SO what's the upside? Not a damn thing. But I'm thinking of forcing an upside. If the so-called decision-makers of the United States decides there's no more government, then I'll back them. That means I shouldn't have to pay taxes anymore, right? Hell, yeah. It's a revolution started on my sofa!

Fight the man!

Friday, October 4, 2013

Come Party With Meradeth Houston. Colors Like Memories Is In Print!

Hi! *waves* I'm incredibly excited to announce the paperback release for COLORS LIKE MEMORIES. The ebook release has been a blast, and it is especially awesome to actually hold the book in my hands :) Here are three things I think you might find fun about the book:

1. It's got a pretty sweet cover :) And I'm rather partial to the blurb:


Julia has a secret: she killed the guy she loved. It was an accident—sort of.

Julia is a Sary, the soul of a child who died before taking her first breath. Without this 'breath of life' she and others like her must help those on the verge of suicide. It's a job Julia used to enjoy, until the accident that claimed her boyfriend’s life—an accident she knows was her fault. If living with the guilt weren't enough, she's now assigned to help a girl dealing with the loss of her mother, something Julia's not exactly the best role model for. If she can't figure out a way to help her, Julia's going to lose her position in the Sary, something she swore to her boyfriend would never happen.

 2. There have been some pretty awesome things said about it (if I do say so myself, but I may be a bit biased). See:

 -"...I applaud the author for providing a writing that has the power to encourage, inspire, help, heal and simply serve as a platform to stimulate communication for any reader (regardless of age), who is feeling hopeless. If you are looking for an interesting read, this book is well written, interesting and has several positive messages that the reader can take away from the story. I would recommend this book to any reader."
TWC Amazon Review

 -"Colors Like Memories was an amazing YA paranormal romance. It will make you soar with wings then drop you off and catch you once you get near the ground." Michelle Kullman Amazon Review

 -"COLORS LIKE MEMORIES is an achingly beautiful tale of love, loss, and new beginnings. Meradeth Houston writes with a clean, clear prose that packs a punch. She carries her characters through the full spectrum of emotions, and the reader is swept along in the journey." RunningnWriting Amazon Review

 3. You don't have to wait for book #2! THE CHEMISTRY OF FATE, also set in the Sary world, is already available, and you can grab a copy at Amazon, B&N, or my publisher MuseItUp Publishing. Book #3, SURRENDER THE SKY, will also be released soon :)
You can pre-order COLORS LIKE MEMORIES at my publisher's site: MuseItUp Publishing, or find it on Amazon, and Barnes & Noble. Ebook copies are also available on all vendor sites!

Those are my three things, and if that's not enough to interest you, well, I've also got a little giveaway running for a book of your choice. Check out the rafflecopter below :)

 

A bit about Meradeth:

 >She’s a Northern California girl, but now lives and teaches anthropology in Montana.

 >When she’s not writing, she’s sequencing dead people’s DNA. For fun!

 >She’s been writing since she was 11 years old. It's her hobby, her passion, and she’s so happy to get to share her work!

 >If she could have a super-power, it would totally be flying. Which is a little strange, because she’s terrified of heights.


Get Meradeth's book here:
 

Find her online:
 
Website : Blog : Twitter : Facebook : Pinterest : Goodreads

 a Rafflecopter giveaway

Direct link to Rafflecopter.